


Forgetting is difficult, but remembering is worse

by seektheinfinite



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brain Damage, Brain Surgery, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Mentions of past self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-23 09:47:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9650267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seektheinfinite/pseuds/seektheinfinite
Summary: Robert undergoes brain surgery that could leave him permanently changed. How will he, Aaron and the rest of his extended family deal with the aftermath?





	1. Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> This started out life as a one-shot but bloomed into something altogether more than that. This is a WIP but I already have a good portion written so there will be regular updates every couple of days. 
> 
> Set around the current timeline, will be canon compliant up until now, but before the arrival of Faith. There will be mentions of Aaron's past abuse, nothing specific or graphic it will just be mentioned in conversation as well as his self-harm so if you think this might be triggering please don't read.
> 
> Massive thanks have to go to thisissirius, smittenwithsugden and iwillsendapostcard who have all been instrumental in making this fic infinitely better than it would have been without them.

‘Honey I’m home.’ Aaron calls as he steps through the door to their bedroom. He’d been expecting to find Robert in the backroom when he got home, seeing as he’d been working late at the scrapyard, but there was no sign of his fiancé. He’s just about to go back downstairs to see if maybe he was round the front of the pub, something that was happening more often now that Robert seemed to actually be making an effort to socialise with people outside of his own family.

He’s stopped in his tracks by the sight of a letter sitting in the middle of the perfectly made bed, Robert’s doing of course. He always insisted on making the bed first thing in the morning, whereas Aaron was happy to just leave it as it was, seeing nothing wrong with just falling into bed at the end of the day; it was just going to get messed up again anyway.

His heart skipped a beat on seeing the letter, his name clearly written in Robert’s untidy scrawl. The man was such a contradiction; every aspect of his life had to be neat and orderly except for his handwriting, resembling that of a five years olds, which Aaron had teased him about on several occasions.

Reaching for the note Aaron realises that he’s holding his breath, his mind racing through an endless list of possibilities as to its contents, none of them good. Deciding that it’s probably best to just get it over with and read the damn thing, he unfolds it to find a mess of words. He really hates Robert’s handwriting, even after all this time it was still like trying to decipher some kind of code.

_Aaron,_

_First things first, I’m not leaving you so you can stop thinking that right now. I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again every minute of every day if I have too I’m not going anywhere._

_Now that’s out of the way you can breathe again and stop freaking out okay? Because, this next bit, well it’s serious and I’m sorry that I’m telling you in a note like this but please believe me when I say this I did this to protect you. I don’t want to hurt you, it’s the last thing I ever want to do and I wanted you to be okay for just a little bit longer. With everything that’s been happening recently, I just didn’t want to give you anything else to worry about._

_But before I go on if you’re alone right now, which you probably are because I put this in the bedroom so that Charity wouldn’t have a nose through while you were still at work, go find someone, anyone. I just don’t want you to be alone right now._

_I’m serious Aaron, I know you’re ignoring me right now but stop reading, go down stairs, or next door if Liv’s in and find someone. Hell, even Charity will do if you’re stuck, just don’t read this alone okay. Just let me protect you for a little bit longer._

Aaron considers ignoring Robert’s plea, he just needs to know what the hell is going on, because whatever it is it’s going to big and scary, and Robert obviously doesn’t think that he can handle it, which makes it hurt just that little bit more. But he doesn’t have time for self-pity right now, so he does as Robert asks.

Gripping the paper tightly, the weight of it weighing heavy, he turns from the room and heads down the stairs to the back room of the pub. He can hear dishes rattling as he approaches the closed  door, and silently offers a prayer that it’s not Charity. She’s really the last person he wants to deal with right now.

He’s glad to find his mum standing at the sink, dishes clattering in the washing up bowl as she scrubs at them furiously. “I swear if I have to wash up after you lot one more time…” She starts but is quickly silenced by Aaron’s appearance in the doorway; the look on his face obviously saying everything that he doesn’t know how too.

“Aaron, what is it? What’s happened?” The dishes are now forgotten, with Chas making her way across the room, hands still dripping with dish water. Getting no answer, she tries again, eyes searching Aaron’s for any kind of a hint. “Aaron?”

He tries to say something, he’s not sure what, just anything but it seems as though his voice has abandoned him along with Robert. Despite Robert’s assurances that he’s not leaving Aaron, nothing else about the note in his hand is doing anything to ease his panic.

Getting nowhere, he decides that the easiest thing to do is to show his mum the letter, thrusting his hand out he nods at her to take it from him. Wiping her hands on her jeans, she takes the offered paper and begins to read.

Aaron stands, still as a statue, his eyes taking in every minute change in her expression. Watching and waiting he can see his own emotions playing across his mum’s face. He can tell the moment that she gets to the part about finding someone; there’s a brief hint of a frown before she’s looking at him, offering the note back.

It’s all he can do to shake his head. No, he can’t read the rest, she’ll have to do it for him. He knows that whatever it is he doesn’t want to know but he needs to know, needs to know that Robert is okay.

Chas nods, affirming before taking his arm and gently guiding him to the sofa. Once they’re seated she turns her attention back to the note in her hands, now slightly crumpled and a bit damp.

_Now that you’re not alone I have something to tell you. Before I do, believe me when I say I am sorry for the way this has happened but as I said before I was trying to protect you, and this was the best way that I knew how._

_I’m in the hospital right now, having surgery. Brain surgery._

Chas couldn’t hide the shock as she read those words. She felt rather than saw Aaron tense beside her, his breath quickening. She pressed on wanting to read through the note as soon as possible, searching for answers.

_I have a brain tumour. It’s not cancerous, so don’t worry about that I’m not going to die or anything. I’ve been waiting, hoping that it would be okay and that it would stop growing, but it seems that I’m not that lucky so the doctors have decided that the only thing to do is have it removed. I’m sorry for not telling you before, I’ve been trying to work up to it, but they had a cancellation so I’ve been bumped up the list to today. That’s where I am right now, getting rid of it so we can carry on enjoying our life together, to old age._

_The thing is that, well it’s brain surgery so there’s a chance that things might not go to plan. I’ve been told the chance is small, that most likely I’ll come out fine, but there’s a chance, and please remember it’s a small chance that it could leave me with permanent damage. But that’s not going to happen so I’m not even thinking about it, I just have to tell you because I’ve kept it too long from you already._

_I love you so much, Aaron. I’ll see you when I wake up._

_Robert._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the lovely comments and kudos. I love knowing your thoughts, it really does mean a lot to know that you're reading and enjoying this.

“Wow, who died?” Liv breezes into the room like a hurricane, bag hitting the side of the sofa as she discards it without a second thought. Aaron’s lost count of the times that he’s listened to Rob moaning at her for it.

Aaron hurriedly wipes at his eyes with his sweater, turning his face away from her. He knows that she’s seen him crying but it’s a knee-jerk reaction to hide. He hates letting her see his vulnerability like this.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at school?” Chas breaks the silence. She can’t help letting her worry and anger at the situation permeate into her words.

Liv’s taken aback by the bite in Chas’ voice. She’s used to her having a go by now, Chas is definitely the strictest of the three of them, but her tone still shocks her.

Liv shrugs, “It’s Wednesday. I always have a half day on a Wednesday.” She turns her attention back to Aaron who’s still trying to hide his face from her. She tries again, leaning against the dresser as she looks at Chas and then once more to Aaron. “Seriously, though, what’s going on?”

“I need to go. I need to go to the hospital.” Aaron suddenly springs to life, jumping up from the sofa, seemingly oblivious to everyone else around him. “I need to get to Robert.” He’s halfway to the door before Chas is jumping up too, shouting after him to stop.

“Aaron, don’t you dare go anywhere.” He keeps moving, focused on the door in front of him. “Aaron, you can’t be driving in this state. Will yah just stop for a minute? Aaron !”

Chas has no hope of catching him but she’s still going to try. There’s no way that he should be driving in this state. She’ll be visiting him alongside Robert in the hospital if he’s not careful.

“Whoa, where’s the fire?” Aaron is stopped in his tracks by the brick wall that is his Uncle Cain standing in the doorway blocking his path.

“Get out of my way. I have to go.” Aaron doesn’t stop pushing, trying his best to get around Cain and out of the pub before his mum can stop him.

“Don’t you dare let him get past you.” Chas is grabbing his arm too, having used Cain’s momentary distraction to gain the extra ground that she had been missing. “Aaron love, will you just wait a minute.”

Aaron’s turning to her now, tears streaming freely down his face; he no longer cares what anyone thinks about him, he just needs to get to Robert. Needs to know that he’s okay.

“Please mum, just let me go. I can’t just sit here.” He hates how pathetic he sounds right now, especially in front of Cain.

“Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?” Cain’s looking from Aaron to Chas to Liv who hasn’t moved.

Chas chooses to ignore him in favour of focusing on Aaron. He’s the one that needs her right now, any explanations can wait for later once they have some answers of their own.

“Aaron, just stop for a minute. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to the hospital, just let me drive you okay. Driving in this state you’ll either end up in the back of a police car or an ambulance.”

“Why are you going to the hospital?” Liv asks although she’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to know. There’s only one person that could make Aaron behave like this, and Robert is conspicuously absent right now.

No one speaks, both Chas and Aaron afraid to say the words, because once they do it becomes real. For now, they’re just words on a piece of paper that only they’re party too, once they tell Cain and Liv the words will be given life, Robert has a brain tumour and when they get to the hospital there’s a chance that he’s not going to know who they are.

Cain is the first to break the silence, steadily losing patience with the situation. “Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on, now!?”

Aaron’s turned his face away from him now, focusing instead on the engagement ring on his finger, twiddling it around, the nervous energy looking for an escape. He considers making a run for it while Cain’s distracted, looking to his mum for the answers that he knows he’s not going to get from Aaron. But he knows there’s no point, he wouldn’t get far.

Chas sighs, her gaze flicking from Aaron to Cain to Liv, not sure where to start or how much to say. She settles for the bare minimum for now, just enough to get them moving in the direction of the car and the hospital. She can explain more, what little they know, on the way.

“Robert’s in the hospital. He’s gone for an operation and didn’t bother telling Aaron, left him a note, which as you can see he’s just found. Apart from that, we don’t really know much more, we just have to get to the hospital.” She turns back to Cain, “can you mind the bar for me. I have no idea where Charity is, and as you can see Aaron needs me more right now.”

Cain looks as though he’s going to protest; what the hell does he know about running a bar?- But he thinks better of it when he sees the look in Chas’ eyes; although she phrases it as a question it’s clear to him that this is not up for discussion . He will be minding the bar.

He shrugs his shoulders, before moving from his spot in the doorway. He leaves without saying a word, aware that asking any more questions right now isn’t going to get him anywhere. He’s got all the information that they’re willing to give; for now.

Liv, on the other hand, is the complete opposite; she’s a fountain of questions, throwing panicked glances between Aaron and Chas. “What? Why didn’t he tell you? What’s the operation for? Is he going to be okay?”

“Liv, please. Just shut up yeah.” Aaron barks at her, a flash of anger before it fades back to panic. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I’m just as worried as you are so the sooner we get to the hospital the sooner we can find out what’s going on. Okay?”

Liv nods, not trusting her voice. Instead, she does as he says without another word, following him and Chas out into the chilly January air.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I promise that Robert will be making an appearance soon. I will have chapter 3 up on Tuesday. 
> 
> Thank you again for reading.
> 
> Join me on Tumblr as beyondthebridge


	3. Hello Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this because I said I would upload a chapter every couple of days but I am just too impatient and can't wait. Robert makes an appearance in this chapter. I hope you enjoy.

“Sugden, Robert Sugden.” Aaron practically flings himself at the desk, the nurse behind it looking slightly unsettled by his frantic appearance.

Chas appears at his side, placing a reassuring hand on his arm before turning on her charms with the man in front of her. “Can you tell us where to find Robert Sugden? He came in for an operation earlier. Aaron’s his fiancé.” She gives Aaron’s arm a little squeeze as she says it.

The nurse considers them for a moment, before turning her attentions to the screen in front of her. There’s a brief silence, filled only by the sounds of her typing before she’s looking up at them again, all smiles.

“He’s out of theatre, so he’s in recovery right now. If you’d like to take a seat in the waiting room, I’ll get a doctor to come and speak to you as soon as I can.”

“So, he’s going to be okay?” Liv’s question is filled with hope as she looks between the nurse, Chas and Aaron. They’d spent the entirety of the ride to the hospital in silence, the many unanswered questions still swirling around her mind. She’d wanted to voice them but had thought better of it after the way that Aaron had reacted back at the pub.

“Liv, he…” Chas starts, unsure of what to say but she’s thankfully saved from going any further by Aaron’s interruption.

Aaron cocks his head, before walking away from the desk towards the waiting area. They’ve been here so many times, too many times so that he knows exactly where he’s going. He doesn’t bother checking to see whether his mum and Liv are following him, just trusting that they understand his intentions.

Finding three empty seats in the corner of the room, Aaron folds himself into the blue plastic chair, leaning forwards and placing his elbows on his knees.

He’s joined by Liv dropping herself into the chair to his right, whilst Chas takes the left. They sit this way for a few seconds as Aaron works up to telling Liv. He knows he has to do it, it’s not fair to her not too. Robert has become just as important in her life as he is in Aaron’s, they’re a family now and he has no idea how he’s going to tell her that all of that might be coming crashing down around them. What are they going to do if Robert wakes up and he doesn’t remember them? Doesn’t remember the life that they have together, the life that they’re yet to have.

He pushes that thought away, Robert said in his note that memory loss was a small possibility, so he’ll worry about that later if it comes to it. No need to worry Liv any more than she already is.

Instead, he decides that he’ll tell her only what he has too, no more. “Rob has a brain tumour, that’s why he’s in here, to get it removed. It’s not cancer.” He adds quickly before her mind can jump to that particular conclusion. “That’s about all I know.”

Liv sits stunned by the news that Robert has a brain tumour. She racking her brain trying to think if there were any signs that he was sick, signs that they should have picked up on. “Is that why he’s been getting those headaches?”

“What?” Both Chas and Aaron ask at the same time. They’re both staring at Liv now, Chas leaning slightly forwards in her chair to see past Aaron. “Why didn’t you say anything?” It’s Aaron this time, a hint of disbelief in his voice.

“I,” Liv starts, feeling uncomfortable under their accusing gaze, “He told me it was nothing. Said that he was just working too much. He said he always got headaches when he was stressed and it was nothing to worry about. He… he made me promise not to say anything cause he didn’t want to worry you.” She finds herself averting her gaze, staring at the floor now. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think…”

Aaron’s snapping at her, mouth moving before his brain can catch up, “Damn right you didn’t think. You never think Liv, this is just typical of…”

Robert Sugden? The family of Robert Sugden?” Aaron is stopped from finishing his sentence by the appearance of the doctor in the waiting room.

“Yeah, I’m his fiancé. How is he?” Aaron’s on his feet now, making his way across the crowded room, not caring who’s there to listen. He just needs to know that Robert is going to be okay.

The doctor casts a glance towards Chas and Liv as though debating whether she’s going to tell him anything with the two of them there too. “They’re family too,” Aaron says it before anyone can say anything, they may not technically be family yet, but they’re as good as and he knows that Robert would say the same thing.

The doctor nods, “If you’ll follow me to somewhere more private I can fill you in on what’s happening with Mr Sugden.”

“It’s Robert. Not Mr Sugden, just Robert.” Liv interrupts before they can move from the waiting area.

Aaron smirks a little at that, before putting his arm around her shoulder and pulling her into his side, pushing his anger at her back down for later, now is not the time. He gives her a little squeeze then, a reassurance as a big brother. He turns back to the doctor now who’s not said anything, just waiting for them to be ready. She’s obviously used to this, dealing with worried families and she seems to be taking Liv’s little outburst in her stride.

“Okay, well if you follow me I can fill you in on _Robert’s_ condition.”

~~

He’s not sure what the time is, there are no windows in this tiny little room and Aaron can’t help but think that’s done on purpose so that the patients and their families aren’t aware of the world that’s still going on around them. In here all time stops, he could have been sat here for minutes, hours, days and he’d have no idea. His focus is purely on the man in the bed in front of him, looking far too pale and still.

Aaron can tell that this sleep is artificial, Robert’s still under the effects of the anaesthetic, because he’s entirely too still. Even in sleep, Robert’s always moving, this perpetual ball of energy that’s constantly looking for release.

Chas and Liv are waiting outside; they’d wanted to come in but it was hospital rules. Only one family member at a time in the high dependency unit; naturally there wasn’t even a discussion about who that one person was going to be.

Aaron gingerly takes Robert’s hand in his own, rubbing his thumb over the spot where his engagement ring should be. Standard procedure of course, that it was removed during surgery. Robert can get it back when he leaves the hospital, whenever that might be.

The thought slips into his head unbidden, he doesn’t want to think about the recovery or if Robert is going to be the same when he wakes up. After the conversation with the doctor, he’s more worried than ever that Rob’s not going to come out of this completely intact.

_“Robert’s tumour was larger than we had expected, it had grown significantly since we took the scan. I had wanted to get him in earlier but he insisted that it would have to wait, that there was too much going on for him to be out of action.”_

_Aaron simply nods not knowing what else to say or do._

_“Other than that, the surgery went well, we managed to remove all of the tumour. It’s been sent off for further analysis but we’re pretty much certain that it’s benign. Non-cancerous” She adds at the confused look Liv is currently throwing her way._

He’s still stroking his finger as the nurse comes in, throwing him a small smile before going about checking all the machines and wires that Robert is currently hooked up too. She doesn’t say anything, can clearly see that he’s not in the mood to talk. Seemingly satisfied with what she finds, she retreats from the room, leaving Aaron to go back to waiting. He’s searching Robert’s face now for any sign that he might be waking up, the slightest flicker of movement behind his eyelids, a twitch, anything. There’s nothing, instead, his eyes are drawn upwards, to his hair and the small, neatly shaved square on the left side. The vibrant shades of purple and red bruising in stark contrast to the rest of Robert’s blonde hair. He allows himself a small chuckle at the thought of Robert’s face when he sees that for the first time. It’s not like he’ll even wear a cap while it grows back; always telling him he looks ridiculous when he chooses to wear one himself.

But the smile is quick to fade as he remembers the rest of what the doctor had to tell them.

_“We were hopeful that we would be able to remove the tumour without causing too much deficit but due to the location and the size it’s highly likely that there is going to be some form of impairment.”_

_“How bad?” Aaron asks the question before he can have time to think about it and change his mind. He can’t help but feel anger towards her for just a second as she gives him a pitying smile before shaking her head._

_“I’m sorry that’s just something that I can’t say at this stage. We really won’t know the extent of the damage, if there is any until Robert wakes up. I know that’s not what you want to hear right now, but it really is the best I can give you. There’s no point in speculating about these things. The brain is such a unique organ that it’s practically impossible to know how each individual patient is going to be affected by this kind of surgery._

Aaron peels his eyes away from the offending spot on Robert’s scalp in favour of looking back at his hand once more. There’s already a slight tan line where the engagement ring should sit, and Aaron can’t help but think how strange it is to see Robert’s hand without it.

Since he’s going to be here a while, he decides that he might as well get comfortable; well as comfortable as the stupid plastic hospital chair will allow. He tries leaning backwards, to close his eyes for a few moments but quickly realises if he does that he’s going to have to let go of Robert’s hand, and he’s not willing to do that until he’s woken up and talking to him.

So instead he leans forwards, resting his head on the bed next to Robert’s leg. He must drift off at some point because he’s awoken by the tiniest of movements beside him.

He’s jerked back to reality in an instant as the hand underneath his twitches ever so slightly.

“Robert? Rob, can you hear me?” There’s a slight flutter of his eyelids but nothing follows. “Oy, you, stop being lazy will yah. It’s time to wake up now, I’ve been waiting long enough.”

“Aaron,” is the whispered reply. It’s barely audible above the sounds of the heart monitor but it’s there and Aaron’s heart does a little leap inside his chest. He knows his voice, remembers him, that’s a start.

“Yeah, I’m here Rob. I’m not going anywhere okay.” Aaron leans over the bed, planting a gentle kiss on Robert’s forehead, careful not to touch any of the wires or tubes currently attached to his fiancé. He wants to say more, wants Robert to say more, to open his eyes but clearly the struggle of that one word is too much for him as he’s still once again, pulled back down into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. All the comments and kudos have been great, it's so great to know you're all reading and enjoying this. I'll have the next chapter up for you on Wednesday.


	4. Waking up is hard to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos, it means so much. I know I keep saying it but it really does. Robert is finally waking up in this chapter and I'm sorry to say that things are going to get worse for him before they get better.

Robert woke to what could only be described as the hangover from hell. His head felt as though someone was simultaneously squeezing it in a vice and attacking it with a jackhammer. He didn’t remember drinking last night, though. In fact, he couldn’t remember much at all about the previous night.

He lay completely still, afraid that any movement , no matter how small would only serve to worsen the agony he was in.

He was pretty sure that he had been with Aaron at some point and they’d been at the scrapyard. Were they arguing? No, that didn’t sound right. Why was it so hard to remember?

He decided that the only way that he was going to get any answers to his seemingly endless list of questions would be to open his eyes. Opening them gingerly he was immediately assaulted by blinding white light drilling into the back of his skull, escalating his already pounding headache.

Squeezing them shut as quickly as he could Robert gripped the soft fabric beneath him, trying to control his roiling stomach and the rising nausea. If just opening his eyes made him feel like his head was being split open he didn’t even want to consider the agony of having to throw up.

“Robert.” His name was whispered hesitantly, as though whoever was speaking must be aware of his currently fragile state.

He wanted to reply, to let whoever it was know that he was alive and breathing if not much else. The most he could manage though was a pathetic whimper as another wave of nausea hit him.

“Hang on, I’ll get someone,” the voice replied before he heard retreating footsteps and a door closing behind them.

If he wasn’t so focused on just breathing and attempting to keep the nausea at bay he might have been more concerned about where he was and how he came to be   there, as it was it was taking everything he had just to keep breathing.

He had no idea how long he’d been lying there, waiting for the voice to come back but it felt like hours before he heard the door opening again, followed by another different voice calling his name. This one less tentative, more commanding.

“Robert. Just open your eyes for me love and then I’ll get you some more painkillers.”

He wanted to shout, beg, plead for painkillers first; didn’t they know that opening his eyes felt like someone was sticking a red hot poker into his brain. He settled for groaning instead, hoping that the simple noise was enough to convey his deep desire not to open his eyes right now.

“Come on Rob, do as you’re told for once yeah.” The first voice was back again, accompanied by a hand on his arm. Something about that voice felt familiar, safe. As though perhaps he should do as he was asked if only to get them to leave him alone so that he could die in peace.

He cracked his eyes open again and was relieved to find that someone had been thoughtful enough to dim the lights this time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to prevent the nausea hitting him full force as the room span around him, leaving him unable to focus on anything. He squeezed this eyes shut once more, breathing heavily.

“Gonna be sick” he managed to grind out between clenched teeth.

“It’s okay, we’ve got you.” He was grateful to find supportive hands helping to prop him up as he emptied the contents of his stomach into a bowl that had been placed under his chin.

“Easy Robert, you’re okay. Just take it steady,” the second voice this time accompanied by a hand rubbing circles on  his back.

They stayed that way for several minutes with Robert afraid to move for fear of setting off another vomiting spell. The hand on his back was removed, leaving behind a feeling of cold emptiness. He would never admit it but there was something motherly about that comfort, something he wasn’t aware he’d been missing until now.

He felt something pressed against his lips, cold and wet.

“It’s just ice chips. It will help ease your throat”

He opened his mouth allowing the cool chips to melt on his tongue and soothe his aching throat.

“Thanks,” he whispered, voice strained.

He decided to give the whole opening his eyes thing another try, now that the nausea seemed to have settled down a little. Opening them slowly, he breathed a little lighter when the world didn’t turn upside down on him as it had before. He ignored the voice on his left in favour of turning towards the one on the right. He knew that voice knew it was important.

“Aaron?”

“Yeah Rob, I’m here, you’re okay.”

“It hurts.” The words were out before he could stop them, tears beginning to flow now.

The hands were back again then either side of him, guiding him gently down to what must be a bed. He was completely spent now, what little energy he had drained completely. He felt so pathetic, aching everywhere, head pounding, he just wanted oblivion to take him over once again.

The last thing he heard was Aaron’s promise that he was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay .

~~

Robert's next brush with consciousness is far less traumatic and painful than the first. The painkillers that he was promised must have kicked in because his head, whilst still pounding, no longer feels like it’s going to explode.

He lays still for a moment, simply listening to the sounds of the room around him as he gathers his senses. He hears the distinct, steady beeping of a heart monitor. He’s been around hospitals way too many times to not know the distinct sound. Probably the best place for him considering the amount of pain he’s in, not that he’s any the wiser as to how he actually ended up here.

Opening his eyes cautiously he finds himself looking at a row of white polystyrene ceiling tiles, he wonders briefly what it is about these tiles that every hospital he’s ever been in seems to have them.  Steeling himself for the inevitable stabbing pain that he’s no doubt going to experience when he moves, Robert turns his head slowly to his right; the place where Aaron had been before he’d fallen unconscious again.

He’s shocked however to find that it’s not Aaron sitting in the chair by his bedside but a girl with blonde hair. He finds himself blinking a couple of times to try and clear his vision which is suddenly blurring after the movement of his head.

The girl doesn’t seem to notice him, she’s got her eyes on her phone, tapping away at the keyboard. He studies her for a moment, not saying anything. She looks to be about 15, long blonde hair pulled up into a ponytail. She’s wearing the uniform of the local secondary school; the one Robert had been too back when he was a teenager before he’d left the village for good.

He wonders briefly if maybe she’s got the wrong room? What other explanation could there be for a stranger sitting by his bedside? But then as he thinks about it, that possibility doesn’t seem likely at all. If she had got the wrong room, then surely, she would have noticed as soon as she walked in and wouldn’t be sitting there waiting for him to wake up.

He debates whether he should say something to get her attention, a thought that is quickly forgotten as another wave of nausea hits him, leaving him unable to breathe momentarily. He must make a noise of some kind though because the girl looks up from her phone and smiles at him.

“Thought you were never going to wake up. I’ve been sitting here for ages, I’ve got a lot better things to be doing than  watching you sleep you know.” She pockets her phone then, looking at him expectantly, as though waiting for a reply.

What does he say to that, though? He feels like he should apologise, but he has no idea why; he doesn’t even know this girl. She’s quite welcome to leave at any time. He silently hopes that Aaron will walk back into the room and save him because he’s pretty certain that he doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with this right now.

She’s still staring at him, her smile fading slightly now at his lack of response. Deciding that he can’t just lie here in silence forever he settles for stating the obvious instead. “You’re not Aaron.”

She grins at him again then, as though he hasn’t just basically stated the most obvious thing in the world. “Yeah, sent him to go and get a coffee and something to eat. He was doing my head waiting for you to wake up; I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”

“Okay” he nods his head without thinking, an unconscious reaction but one he regrets immediately as the pain in his head spikes again. He must look a mess because the girl is frowning at him now, a look of panic on her face, she’s half standing, half sitting still, seemingly unsure of what to do.

“Are you okay? Sorry, stupid question, of course you’re not okay. I just meant… You know I think it’s only fair to warn you that when you’re feeling better I am going to have to hit you for putting us through this, Aaron’s been a right mess.” She’s sitting back down again now, arms folded across her chest, giving him a look that says she means what she’s saying and Robert is even more confused than ever.

What happened to him to put him in the hospital in the first place? Why would Aaron be so worried, he hated Robert and had told him several times in the few weeks that he wanted nothing more to do with him. He’d been shot and Aaron hadn’t cared then, why would it be any different now. Then there was this girl, sitting next to him, looking at him with concern, talking as though she knew him and yet he’d never seen her before in his life.

He pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to gather his thoughts into some sort of coherent state, he tries again to think back to the last thing he can remember but again it’s just a jumble of words, images, nothing tangible to hold onto.

Turning to face the girl again he asks, “I’m a little confused here, so maybe you could save the threats of violence for later and answer me a couple of questions.”

A frown forms across her brow now, a look that says she’d rather be anywhere else right now than here having to answer his questions. He registers her eyes flicking towards the door, probably hoping that someone would come in and save her from him. She waits a few seconds, eventually giving in when the door remains resolutely closed.

“Um, okay. I’ll try.” She replies, looking at a point on the wall above his head, clearly uncomfortable.

“Okay, so I guess I’m in the hospital, what happened? Why am I here?”

“You don’t…” She starts, fingers tapping nervously against her leg. “You had an operation on your brain. I don’t know all the details so please don’t ask me.”

Robert’s stunned at that revelation, what on earth could he have done to end up needing brain surgery? But that would explain the headache and the fact that his brain feels like it’s been scrambled.

“Huh, okay. That’s not what I was expecting but okay. Why is Aaron here? I mean is he okay? There wasn’t an accident or anything was there?”

She’s looking at him now like he’s grown two heads. In his mind it’s a perfectly reasonable question, he’s not sure why she’s shocked that he’s asking.

She shakes her head emphatically, still not actually looking him in the eye as she replies. “No, there was no accident. Aaron’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with him, he’s just here for you but then he wouldn’t be anywhere else would he, you idiot .”

Well, that answer does nothing to clear anything up. Robert’s relieved to hear that Aaron is fine, and that he wasn’t involved in whatever put Robert here in the first place; unless Aaron was the one responsible for it. But then he’s not sure that even a guilty conscience would bring Aaron sitting, waiting at his bedside for him to wake up. The only explanation that Robert can think of that makes any semblance of sense is that Aaron is simply here to see how much of the events that put him here he remembers, and to find out what he’s going to do about it.

He’s sure he’ll be relieved to find out that right now, Robert is having trouble remembering anything past his own name, let alone the events leading up to him ending up having brain surgery.

The girl is still sitting in the chair., She’s looking at him now and he can see the expectation in her expression. What she’s waiting for he has no idea, nor what she expects from him, and to be honest he doesn’t really care. He just wants to ask at least one question where he can get a concrete answer, rather than the vague information he’s been given so far. So, he asks, “Who are you?”

The girl stares at him for a few seconds, mouth opening and closing as though she wants to say something but she’s not sure what that something is. Robert can see her eyes tearing up now and he immediately regrets asking the question, not that he has any idea why it would illicit this kind of reaction.

“That’s not funny Robert.” She replies.

“It wasn’t meant to be. I’m sorry but I really don’t know you. I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

The tears are falling freely now and she up out of her seat moving towards the door. It looks as though she’s going to leave without giving him an answer and Robert can’t bear that. He needs to know her name at least.

“Please,” he calls, pulling himself further up the bed, “just tell me please.”

She stops then, turns around to face him. “I’m Liv. Aaron’s my brother. I have to go and find him.” She turns away from him then, not waiting for him to respond, but then he’s not sure what his response would be to that. Instead, he flops back down against the pillow and waits. Hoping that when Aaron finally gets here he’ll get a bit more sense out of him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.


	5. Be real with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're finally going to find out just what and how much Robert remembers.

“Liv?!” Aaron feels the cup of tea that he’s holding slip through his fingers at the sight of his little sister curled up on herself, slumped on the floor outside Robert’s hospital room.

His first instinct is to see if she’s all right but the voice inside his head tells him that if Liv is out here then there’s something wrong with Robert. Torn between his fiancé and his sister Aaron freezes, unable to move in either direction.

“Liv love, what’s wrong?” Aaron is pulled back to himself by the appearance of his mum, moving straight past him to reach the distraught Liv. Getting no response from Liv, Chas looks to Aaron now, “Aaron!”

He’s moving now, deciding that as Chas is with Liv he can take a second to check on Robert. He releases the breath that he wasn’t aware he was holding as he peers through the window in the doorway to see that Robert appears to be okay; he’s sitting up now, talking to a doctor.

Seeing that Robert doesn’t seem to be in any immediate danger Aaron turns his attention back to Liv and his Mum. He’s kneeling down in front of her now, putting a hand on her knee, an attempt at comfort.

She’s still crying uncontrollably, breaths coming in harsh gasps. He desperately wants her to stop crying, to just tell him what’s going on, and what’s got her so upset. But he knows from previous experience that when Liv gets herself in a state like this, the best thing to do is to be there for her and let her calm down a bit before you can even attempt to get any sense out of her. He wishes that Rob was here now instead of sitting in the hospital bed behind the door because he’s always been better at dealing with Liv when she’s like this than Aaron.

He can sense his mum hovering on the fringes, she’s not saying anything but he knows she’s there and that’s enough to give him the strength that he needs to wait this out, to be there for Liv when all he wants to do is run inside the room behind him and hold his fiancé.

“Robert” Liv blurts out suddenly, lifting her head from her knees now, staring at Aaron’s chest, unable to look him in the eyes. “He doesn’t know who I am.”

The force of those words is enough to take Aaron’s breath away, the world tilting around him as he forces himself to focus on the scared little girl in front of him. He needs to know more, to know exactly what’s going on before he can start panicking.

He opens his mouth ready to ask her what exactly she means, but the words won’t come; he’s pretty sure that he looks like a fish out of water right now, mouth opening and closing as he desperately tries to get his brain to coordinate with his mouth.

He saved from his misery once again by his mum, putting into words the things that he couldn’t. “What do you mean he doesn’t know you? He has just had brain surgery Liv, he’s bound to be a bit confused right now.”

Liv’s shaking her head now, hands swiping furiously at the tears that are still falling. She’s looking up at him now, her whole face a red mess. On any other occasion, he would tease her about that, but not today.

“No, I mean he really doesn’t know who I am. We were talking and yeah he was confused, was asking for you”. She nods towards Aaron. “Thought you’d been in some kind of accident or something. But then he looked straight at me and asked me who I was. I thought he was joking, but he was serious Aaron. He really has no idea who I am.”

“Oh Liv, come here.” He’s scooping her up then into his arms, hugging her tight, probably too tight but neither of them is complaining. They’d been warned that this was a possibility, memory loss but he had no idea that it would be so severe. If Robert didn’t remember Liv then what else had he forgotten.

They stay like that for a while, Aaron just holding her until her breathing starts to even out, and the great big sobbing gasps have faded to quiet tears. He’s pulling away from her now, gently turning her towards his mum for support. He doesn’t want to leave her in this state, but he needs to be in that room with Robert. Needs to find out what is going on.

“Mum, can you stay with Liv for a bit while I go and see Robert?” He’s grateful when she doesn’t try to say anything to him, simply nods and grabs hold of Liv, leading her away from the doorway to the waiting room.

He’s in front of the door to Robert’s room again now, looking in through the window. Taking a deep breath he schools his features away from the look of pure terror that he’s pretty sure was there seconds earlier. Before he has time to think any more about what he’s going to find on the other side of the door, he’s pushing it open and entering the room.

“Aaron?! You came back.” Robert’s giving him a guarded smile. He doesn’t wait for him to respond before he’s looking at the doctor, saying “This is my friend, Aaron.”

Friend?! Aaron doesn’t know what to say to that, doesn’t know how to react because this is all too surreal. First Robert doesn’t remember Liv and now he’s just a friend. He can’t look at Robert right now because he knows if he does he’s going to end up falling to pieces. Instead, he’s looking to the doctor, her clipboard in hand, hoping that she’ll be able to give him some answers as to what the hell is going on.

“Aaron, how about we step outside for a minute?” The doctors making her way across the room towards him now, indicating towards the door behind him.

“Uh, no it’s okay. Whatever you have to say you can say to Aaron.” Robert’s fiddling nervously with the sheets around his waist and Aaron can feel his eyes burning on him. He wants to look, wants to see his fiancé but he’s afraid of what he’s going to see in his eyes, afraid that it’s not going to be the Robert he’s come to know and love.

“Actually Robert, there’s some things that I need to discuss with Aaron on his own.” The doctor throws him a smile before stepping closer to the door now.

“Oh, okay.” Aaron hears the tone in Robert’s voice. It’s the one that says it’s really not okay, that he’s not okay but he’s not going to say otherwise because he’s Robert freaking Sugden and he doesn’t do not being okay.

He doesn’t even have to think about it, he’s making his way away from the door over to Robert’s bedside now, turning back to the doctor before saying “Whatever it is you have to say you can say it to both of us. We’re in this together so…”

The doctor sighs, briefly considering her options before deciding that the best thing to do is to just tell them both and then they can start to deal with things the best way they can.

“Okay, well Aaron I think it’s best if you sit down and we’ll have a chat.” She pulls up the chair on the other side of Robert’s bed whilst Aaron takes the seat that has been his home for the last 24 hours, waiting for Robert to come back to the land of the living.

“I was just filling Robert in on what’s been happening. It’s usual after a brain surgery of this kind for the patient to be disoriented and confused. It’s also not uncommon for them to have no memory of the few days or weeks leading up to the surgery.” She pauses there, looking down at her notes now, before looking both Aaron and Robert in the eye one at a time.

“Unfortunately, it seems that we were right to be concerned about the after effects that Robert would be experiencing. Remember that I told you the mass was larger than we had expected it to be, and there was a significant chance of some adverse effects. Well, it seems that Robert has lost a large chunk of his long-term memory. We were just trying to piece together the last things that he does remember clearly when you came in.”

Aaron doesn’t know what to say to that. He’s looking at Robert now, who’s looking at him as though he’s going to hold the key to this whole mess. Instead, he turns back to the doctor and asks, “Just how much of his memory are we talking about?”

“Hey, I am right here you know. I may have some memory problems but I’m not completely useless.” Robert interjects, glaring at Aaron now.

“Sorry” he mumbles, looking anywhere but at Robert. “So what’s the last thing you remember?”

He’s sighing now, tipping his head back against the pillow, closing his eyes in concentration as though it’s going to help conjure up the memories that he’s lost.

“We were, were we fighting. No, we weren’t fighting. We were at the scrapyard and you, you left a note on the desk. You were going to leave Emmerdale. I, I followed you out and you collapsed. Aaron, you collapsed.”

Robert’s looking at him now as though he’s the one that should be in the hospital bed, eyes running up and down as though searching for some invisible injury.

Aaron can’t respond though because there’s a cold dread settling into the pit of his stomach at the scene Robert’s describing. That day, at the scrapyard. That had been the day he’d told Robert about his dad. No, he must remember more than that; he can’t have forgotten the last year of their lives together.

“Do you remember that Aaron?” It’s the doctor now, concern in her voice.

He’s nodding now but he knows he has to say something. “Yeah, I do but…Robert that was a year ago. You don’t remember anything else?”

His heart breaks a little as Robert’s face falls. He’s looking at him now as though he’s speaking a foreign language. He tries to put a brave face on because if this is scaring him, he has no idea what it’s doing to Robert. So he just sits and waits patiently as Robert closes his eyes again, no doubt trying to piece together anything he can in his fragmented mind.

“I, yes. We were here, I brought you to the hospital, you, you cut your arm.”

He’s frowning now, a look of intense concentration on his face as he fights to remember.

“Your dad, you said your dad, oh Aaron”, he bolts upright in the bed then, giving him the same look he had on his face that night back at Ashley’s when they’d holed up together for the night and he’d told him all about his dad.

He suddenly felt sick to his stomach, watching the emotions play out across Robert’s face for a second time. The look of horror, revulsion, pity, concern; it was all there just as it had been that night.

Robert’s running a shaky hand through his hair now, trying to keep his breathing under control. A slight frown wrinkling his brow, no doubt this is all taking its toll on his already fragile head.

“I don’t, I went to sleep on the floor, you were on the sofa, and then…. then I woke up here.”

Aaron’s out of the chair, unsteady on his feet as he makes his way to the window. He’s trying to keep it together, for Robert’s sake but how is he supposed to do that when his fiancé has just lost a year of his life, of their life.

Then it hits him like a bolt of lightning, if Robert doesn’t remember anything past that night then he’s not going to remember that they’re engaged, in fact in Robert’s mind Aaron hates him. No wonder he looked at him weird when he first came in.

It’s all too much now, the room feels like it’s getting smaller, the walls closing in. He can hear Robert calling his name over the roaring of his own heart but he has no idea what he’s saying. He has to get out of here, he can’t be here right now. His feet are moving faster than his brain and he’s out in the hallway, running past his mum and Liv trying to find the nearest exit.


	6. Why?

“…Had to sedate him. I hate seeing him like this Diane.”

“I know pet, but he’s a fighter. We’ve been through worse together and we’ll get through this together. He’ll be okay.”

Robert opens his eyes to find Victoria and Diane sitting either side of the bed. They’re both so wrapped up in their conversation that neither of them seems to have noticed that he’s awake.

“Hi Vic,” he whispers, voice hoarse from lack of use. “Talking about me behind my back again eh?”

“Robert?!” Vic jumps slightly, hand reaching to grab hold of Robert’s now. “How are you feeling?”

It should be a simple question but in his current state, he’s not entirely sure how to answer it. He thinks about Aaron and his face when he’d told him what he remembered. He thinks about the way he ran out of the room like his life depended on it. He tries not to think of what happened after that. The fact that he’d broken down completely; fear and confusion taking hold and refusing to let go. He tries not to remember the fact that he was panicking so much that he couldn’t breathe. He’d rather forget the fact that he’d been in such a state that the doctor had him sedated.

But he doesn’t want to tell Vic all of this, ashamed of his own weakness, something he doesn’t want his little sister or Diane to see. So, he settles for stating the obvious.

“My head hurts.”

Vic rolls her eyes then, before giving his hand a playful slap. “Yeah, thanks for that really useful piece of information. I couldn’t have figured that out for myself, seeing as you’ve just had brain surgery.”

“She doesn’t mean it, love, she’s just been worried about yah. We all have.” Diane interjects. “Have you remembered anymore?”

“I see that not everyone has been as worried as you are. No Andy?” Robert’s searching the room, as though he expects Andy to pop out from one of the corners.

Diane and Victoria exchange knowing glances, neither one answering his question. Rob’s pretty sure he can see tears forming in Vic’s eyes.

“Let’s not worry about Andy right now hey.” It’s Diane who breaks the awkward silence, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. Robert’s not so out of it that he doesn’t know that they’re trying to hide something from him, but right now he doesn’t really have the energy to argue.

“Adam says hi. He also said that you need to hurry up and get back to work because if he has to spend any more time dealing with Nicola on his own he’s quitting.” Robert’s confused now, what has Nicola got to do with anything? Vic continues, obviously misinterpreting his confusion, “Oh no, he doesn’t mean it, he wouldn’t really quit. You know Adam, he just likes to be all dramatic. Don’t worry him and Aaron will keep Nicola and Jimmy in line while you’re away.”

Okay seriously, it’s like she’s speaking a foreign language because Robert has no idea what she’s talking about. “Vic, why is Adam worrying about Jimmy and Nicola? What have they got to do with the scrapyard?”

He watches as the expression on her face changes from confusion to understanding. “Oh, you don’t remember do you?”

Robert’s getting frustrated now, because if that isn’t a stupid question then he doesn’t know what is. “No Vic, funny enough according to Aaron I’ve lost the last year of my life, so I have literally no idea what you’re talking about right now. Honestly, I’m not really sure I care right now. Where is Aaron? He ran out of here earlier like the building was on fire.”

He can’t help but notice that Vic looks hurt, he’s upset her and he hates when he does that. She’s the one person who’s stuck by him through everything, here she is again and he’s being a complete ass as usual.

“I’m sorry Vic, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just hard you know.” He’s fiddling with the blanket on his lap now, turning the thin fabric between his fingers, doing anything that he can to avoid making eye contact with either of them.

He hates seeing Victoria upset; hates it, even more, when he knows he’s the one that’s made her that way.

He hears a sigh from the right side of his bed, Diane this time, before her hand is taking hold of his, giving a gentle squeeze.

“I know it’s hard pet but we’re all here for you. I was speaking to the doctor while you were asleep and she said that there’s a chance that this could all be temporary. Once the swelling starts to go down your memory could come back.”

He looks at her now, tears welling up, hoping that he doesn’t look half as much the scared and frightened little boy that he feels. “But what if it’s not temporary. What if I never remember?”

Diane swallows around the lump in her throat before replying. “Well, if that happens then we’ll just have to make new memories, won’t we. You’ve got a lot of people rooting for you Robert, you’re not on your own now.”

He wants to believe her, he really does but the voice inside his head is telling him that it can’t be true. Everyone hates him after all, surely not that much has changed over the past year. Half the village hated him so much that they were suspects in his shooting, he doubts very much that people are going to lining up outside his hospital room now to see that he’s okay.

Diane and Vic are smiling down at him hopefully, so instead of saying what he really feels he settles for a simple “thanks.”

He’s just about to tell them that he’s tired, that his head is beginning to hurt again and he’d really like to be left alone when the door to his room opens and he’s surprised to see a nervous looking Aaron standing in the doorway.

“Aaron?!” Vic’s standing now, grabbing hold of his hand once again, giving it a little pat before saying “We’ll leave you two alone for a bit. Get some rest Rob, yeah, and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Take care love.” Diane drops his hand gently back onto the bed before getting up herself. As they pass Aaron in the doorway he notices the looks that are exchanged and the slight squeeze of Aaron’s arm that Vic gives him as she passes.

He shifts in the bed, adjusting the pillows behind him to get comfortable again. He hates this damn hospital bed. He’s trying to make himself busy, anything to avoid looking Aaron in the eyes, because he’s afraid of what he’s going to see there. If he’s going to see the same expression that Aaron had when he ran out on him earlier.

Aaron sits down beside him on the bed, pushing Robert’s legs aside a little to make room before his hand is hovering over Robert’s leg like he wants to touch him but he’s not sure it’s the right thing to do.

Robert suddenly feels uncomfortable, and it must show on his face because Aaron pulls his hand away like he’s just been burned before moving to sit in the uncomfortable looking hospital chair at the side of Robert’s bed.

They sit in silence for a while, Robert’s doing everything he can to avoid looking at Aaron, whilst Aaron fiddles with his hands, twiddling a ring absentmindedly around his finger.

It takes a second for Robert to register the significance of that ring and the finger that it’s sitting on. But when it does, it hits him like a punch to the gut.

“Are you,” he starts, not sure how to ask the question or whether he actually wants to know the answer. “Are you married?”

Aaron grimaces at the question, hands still fiddling with the ring on his finger, turning it around and around. He’s shaking his head now, before looking Robert straight in the eye. “No, I’m engaged.”

He lets the words hang in the air like a cloud waiting to burst. He’s watching Robert now, waiting for a reaction. Robert’s not sure what to say; he’s hurt of course and angry but then Aaron was never his was he, and if really has been a year then a lot will have happened. He’s going to have to get used to these kinds of surprises.

He can’t say that he hadn’t held out hope that one day, there might be something between them again but then he’s pretty much destroyed any chance of that happening a thousand times over. How can he really be surprised that Aaron has moved on and found someone? He deserved so much better anyway.

He wants to tell Aaron all of this and more but he settles for a simple “Congratulations. Anyone, I know?” He tries to keep the tone of his voice neutral when inside he’s screaming.

Aaron laughs bitterly, swiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater pulled down over his hands. He’s looking straight at Robert now with an expression that Robert can’t grasp. He’s never seen Aaron look like this before, not even when he’d told him about Gordon.

“Yeah, you know them pretty well actually.” He out to the cabinet beside Robert’s bed before opening the drawer and pulling something out that Robert can’t quite see. He holds it up to the light and Robert can see that it’s a ring, identical to Aarons. “This one’s yours, you bought us a matching pair.

“Is this a joke?” Robert’s staring at the ring in Aarons hand, he can’t bear to look him in the eye.

“It would be a pretty bad one if it was. No Robert, this is not a joke.” He’s holding his hand out now, offering him the ring. It’s just a small circle of silver, insignificant looking and yet he can’t take it. It’s a symbol of something that he can’t possibly comprehend; a universe where he and Aaron are engaged. Surely it’s not possible?

He tears his eyes away from the ring, glancing nervously at Aaron now. “But why?”

Aaron lowers his hand, now that it’s clear Robert isn’t going to take the ring from him. He frowns at the question. “Why what?”

“Well you said I picked the ring so I must have asked you.” Aaron’s nodding at him now, a small smile curving his lips. “Why would you say yes?”


	7. Where do we go from here?

Aaron feels as though Robert’s just punched him in the gut, what does he even say to that? Silence fills the room as he considers his answer.

“Why would I say anything else? Because I love you, yah idiot.”

Robert’s shaking his head now, becoming visibly distressed at Aaron’s words.

“No, you don’t mean it. You can’t love me Aaron not after everything I’ve done to you. You’re supposed to hate me. You do hate me.”

Aaron does his best to push the tears away, he can’t afford to fall apart now, not in here with Robert. He can save that for his mum waiting outside with Liv, both of them refusing to leave.

“I did, hate you. When you got shot I actually wanted you to die so I wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings for you anymore, it would have been so much simpler.”

Aaron can’t help flinching at the memory of his fiancé lying unconscious in another hospital room, as Robert rubs a hand across the scar on his chest. An action that Aaron’s seen him do many times before when he’s feeling vulnerable.

Even after all this time he can still remember what he’d said, how he’d felt. _So hurry up and die._ Now here he is unable and unwilling to even think of a life without Robert in it.

“A lots changes since then though, we’ve changed since then.” Robert gives him a doubtful look, obviously confused as to how you could go from wanting someone to die to agreeing to marry them in the space of a year.

The thing is that Aaron finds it hard to comprehend himself sometimes, that this is actually real and happening; he’s got a year of memories to back it up. Robert’s got nothing but memories of being pushed away, of admitting that he still loved him and being shut down.

_I didn’t mean to upset you._

_You haven’t, because I don’t believe you. You said I wasn’t that special, that I wasn’t the only one, that you were only with me out of pity._

How can Aaron possibly expect Robert to believe anything he’s saying when all he has is memories of rejection.

“I don’t expect you to understand. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now but just keep an open mind yeah. I mean, once we get home maybe it will jog your memories some more, and the doctor did say that this could all be temporary anyway; due to the swelling from the operation.”

“But what if it’s not Aaron? What if I never get the last year of my life back? What if I can’t be the person you want me to be? What then?” Robert looks like a frightened child and it scares Aaron to see him look so vulnerable. He’s used to him being the strong one, the one that he can lean on in times of trouble. It’s strange to have their roles reversed and as much as Aaron wants to be able to reassure him that everything’s going to be alright, he’s having the exact same thoughts himself.

“The Robert Sugden I know and love is still in there you know, he always has been. You’ve just gotten better at letting the real you shine through, instead of the person you’ve been pretending to be for so long.”

Aaron finds himself wincing at the flash of anger that crosses over Robert’s face and he knows immediately that he’s said the wrong thing. This isn’t his Robert right now, not the one that’s open and proud of who he is. This is the Robert that’s still fighting with himself and with the ghosts of his past.

“What the hell do you mean by ‘pretending to be’. Please tell me Aaron who I’m pretending to be, because of course you’re the expert on pretending.”

Aaron takes a deep breath, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands in an attempt to hide their shaking. “I’m going to choose to ignore that last part because I know you don’t mean it. But you know what, I’ll tell you who you’re pretending to be. You make out that you’re some big asshole who only cares about money, cars and women. You walk around like you don’t give a shit about anyone except yourself. You act like as long as you get what you want then it doesn’t matter how many people get hurt in the process.

Well, let me tell you something, that’s not the man I fell in love with and it’s certainly not the man that I have seen for the last year. You are the most caring, loving, affection person I know. You stuck by me through some of the hardest times of my life even when I did everything I could to push you away. You were there for me and you expected nothing in return. You’ve taken all of the shit that I and everyone else has thrown at you and you still keep going. Sure you’re still a snob at heart but it’s not the main focus of your life anymore, I don’t think it ever was it was just what you thought you _should_ be focusing on.

So that’s what I mean when I tell you that you stopped pretending to be something you’re not and you’re a better person for it.”

Robert’s blushing now, eyes fixed on the ring that Aaron hadn’t realised he was still holding. “Can I?” Reaching out his hand he glances up nervously, as though Aaron might deny him. He doesn’t, of course. Instead he holds the ring out to Robert, a tiny thrill of excitement running through him as their fingers brush each other, if only for a second.

He sits, turning it over and over in his hands, studying every inch of it. “I can’t wear it, I’m sorry.” He’s leaning over now to put it back in the top drawer of the bedside cabinet. He must see Aaron’s look of disappointment because he’s quick to add. “Not yet. I have no idea what’s happened over the last year to bring us to this, but I want to know, I need to know before I make a commitment. You’re not the Aaron I remember; you were in such a bad place and that’s all I can think about when I look at you. I just, how can I possibly be everything you want me to be, what if I’m never that person again.”

“Well, we’ll just have to take things one day at a time and see what happens.” Aaron tries to school his face into neutral, he doesn’t want to let Robert know that his heart is breaking inside at just the thought of never fully getting _his_ Robert back.

“Anyway, I’m pretty sure the doctor said that you need plenty of rest if you want to get out of here any time soon, so how about I leave you to get some sleep and I’ll come back later yeah?” Aaron doesn’t really want to leave but he _needs_ too. It’s killing him, being this close to Robert and not being able to show his affection, knowing that it’s going tom make him uncomfortable.

“Yeah you’re right, my head is beginning to feel like the drummer’s setting up camp again. I could probably do with a nap.” He pauses, looking at Aaron like he wants to say something else. Aaron waits patiently, not wanting to push him. “You’ll come back soon though right?”

Aaron’s heart twists, “Of course I will you soft lad. Can’t get rid of me that easily you know.”

Robert nods then, seemingly satisfied with the answer, before readjusting the pillows behind him so that he can lie down instead of sitting up. Aaron stands from the chair, catching himself as he leans down to give Robert a kiss on the forehead. He stops before he connects, not wanting to explain his actions to Robert he turns and leaves the room with a whispered, “I love you” as he goes, quiet enough so that only he can hear.

 

~~

“Well?” His mums looking at him in expectation, as though half an hour with Robert and he’s going to come out with all the answers.

“Well what? His memory hasn’t suddenly come flooding back in the last thirty minutes.” Aaron pulls at the sleeves of his jumper as he almost throws himself into the chair beside her. “Where’s Liv?”

“Vending machine, she was complaining that she was starving, as usual. Honestly I don’t know where she puts it.”

He huffs a laugh at that, he’s often thought the same thing himself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you, it’s just hard you know. I mean he literally thinks that I hate him. I can’t even touch him without him flinching away from me. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this.”

He’s leaning into her now, Chas wrapping her arms around him as he cries. This is how Liv finds them as she rounds the corner, chocolate bar in hand.

“Has something happened? Is Robert okay?” She’s practically running towards them now, fear written all over her face.

Pulling himself out of his mums grasp Aaron straightens in the chair, patting the chair beside him. Liv sits down, eyeing him expectantly. “He’s okay, physically. Well not okay, but you know what I mean, he’s going to be okay. He’ll heal. It’s just, he doesn’t remember the last year, at all. That’s why he didn’t know who you were. In his mind, we’re not even together, he thinks that I hate him.”

Liv leans towards him, wrapping her arms around him tightly. He can feel his shoulder getting wet as her tears begin to fall.

They stay like that for a while, just taking comfort from each other, before he’s pulling her back to look her in the eye. “It’s going to be okay though, yeah. We’re going to get through this, all of us and everything’s going to be okay.”

He hopes if he says it often enough then he might just be able to convince himself that it’s true; the reality being that he has no idea how any of them are going to get through the coming days and weeks.


	8. Homeward bound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the positive feedback, comments and kudos on this, I really do appreciate every single one.

Liv’s sat at the breakfast table, staring at the toast growing steadily colder on her plate. Aaron’s already left, gone to collect Robert from the hospital. It’s been almost a week since his operation and Liv hasn’t seen him since that first day when he’d looked at her like a stranger. His words stuck on repeat, _who are you?_

He’s going to be coming home today and Liv can’t help but feel dread at the prospect. She knows that she can’t avoid him forever, but it had been easier with him in the hospital, she didn’t _have_ to see him. For the first time in a long time she feels uncomfortable about being here, knowing that she’s going to see him every day and to him she’s just going to be some stranger, an interloper into his life with Aaron.

She worries about the impact that this is all going to have on Aaron too, can’t help but think about the times that she and Robert had fought when she’d first come to live with them. To say that they didn’t like each other would be an understatement, and it scares her to think that they’re going to have to go through it all again. It seems so unfair, just as they were beginning to feel truly comfortable around each other.

“Hey lady, hurry up and finish your breakfast or you’re gonna miss the bus again.” Chas is stood next to her, face like thunder; she’s not been getting much sleep the last week and it’s beginning to show.

“Hmm,” Liv glances up, questioningly, she heard the words but they didn’t register in her already distracted brain.

“I said, you need to hurry up or you’re going to miss the bus again. I don’t have time to take you, and Aaron’s not here. I’m not having you miss another day of school.” Chas is at the counter now, making herself a cup of tea.

“I’m not hungry.” Liv shoves the now cold toast across the table, but makes no further effort to move.

She hears Chas sigh from the kitchen, before she’s making her way over to her, cup of tea clearly abandoned. Pulling the chair out from beside her, Chas slumps down. “Hey, I know this has been difficult on you, it’s been difficult on all of us but if we pull together we can get through this Liv. Robert’s coming home today and you know the doctors are hopeful that once he’s back in a familiar environment his memory will start coming back to him.

“Yeah, whatever.” Liv pushes her chair back and tries to stand before she’s stopped by Chas placing a hand on her arm.

“C’mere.” Before Liv knows it, Chas is pulling her down into a hug, one hand gripping tightly to the back of her neck, the other rubbing circles on her bag. Liv hates it when Chas is being motherly, she’s powerless to resist, all the emotions that she’s been keeping locked away for the past week come flooding out.

They stay like that until the tears begin to subside and Liv feels empty. As she pulls away from Chas she notices that she too has been crying; eyes rimmed red and puffy.

“Come on,” Chas is grabbing hold of her and guiding her over to the sofa. They sit in awkward silence until Charity barrels into the back room.

“Chas the drayman’s here with a delivery and I haven’t done my makeup yet; can you deal with him?” She stands in the doorway, hands on hips, looking slightly worse for wear and Liv doesn’t even want to know what she was up to last night.

“Kind of busy here Charity,” Chas shoots back. “Besides, I’m pretty sure the drayman is gay anyway, so I’m sure he doesn’t care what you look like.”

Liv can’t help but chuckle at that, attempting and failing to stifle the noise with her hand.

“Oh yeah, you really look busy.” She quips in return.

Chas levels her with a gaze that could melt steel; Liv should know she’s been on the receiving end of it enough times.

“Robert’s coming home today.” She doesn’t say anymore but Liv can see that she’s jerking her head at her, attempting to spare her feelings by not telling Charity directly that she’s freaking out about it and needs to have her hand held.

There’s silence for a few seconds as Charity gives a quizzical look in return, “Yeah I know, and?”

Liv can hear Chas’ exasperated sigh but she’s so focused on Charity that it barely even registers, all of her hurt, worry and frustration bubbling over at her complete lack of empathy.

She’s on her feet now, rounding on Charity, hands fisted as she tries and fails to contain her anger.

“So? Did you miss the part about him not being okay? The fact that he can’t remember the last year of his life? Have you not heard Aaron crying in his room at night, or do you just choose to ignore it? Because I know I can’t, and neither can Chas. Oh and yeah, let’s not forget that he has no idea who I am and from what I’ve been told he’s still convinced that most the village would be happy to see the back of him. Am I forgetting anything?” She snaps, turning to Chas now, who has been stunned into silence by Liv’s visceral reaction to Charity’s words.

Charity blinks a couple of times, stunned, mouth moving but nothing coming out before she answers, “No love, I think that about covers it.” She turns to Charity now, before calmly adding. “So, as you can tell the drayman seeing you without make-up on is the least of my problems right now.”

Charity shuffles uncomfortably on the spot, glancing between Liv and Chas. “I’ll just go and see to that delivery then, yeah?” With that she’s out of the room without a backwards glance.

Liv slumps down onto the sofa again now, curling up on herself before hugging the cushion beside her. She does her best to avoid making eye contact with Chas, who’s patiently waiting for her to open up to her about what’s going on.

Liv wants to be anywhere but here right now. She just wants everything to go back to normal, when Robert hadn’t forgotten her and they were making plans to be a real family at the Mill. But that’s not going to happen, at least not anytime soon, and Chas is going to be her best bet to talk to someone, since Aaron is going to be preoccupied with Robert.

“He doesn’t know who I am Chas,” Liv squeaks out, her voice muffled by the cushion. “What if he never remembers me?”

Chas leans over, placing a hand on her knee. “Liv, I wish I had all the answers, I really do. But the reality is that Robert still thinks that I hate him. The last thing that he remembers is me telling him that I didn’t want him anywhere near Aaron. So, believe me, him coming home isn’t going to be easy, on any of us. We just have to take things one day at a time, and I promise you that we will get through this, together. No matter what happens.”

“You say that now.” Liv’s glaring daggers at Chas over the cushion.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chas is genuinely taken aback at the comment.

Liv sighs, throwing the cushion down onto the sofa next to her, “It means that you’ve sent me packing once before. It nearly ruined their relationship when Robert and I didn’t get on the first time and I know who Aaron’s going to choose if it comes down to it.”

“Are you serious right now? After everything, you really think that Aaron, that I, would toss you out just like that. You, lady, are not going anywhere, no matter what happens, I promise you that you will always have a home here. You’re a Dingle now, and once you’re in there’s no getting out. Besides you’ve got an advantage you didn’t have last time.”

Liv’s frowning at her, genuinely confused now, “What’s that?”

“Robert’s already won you over so that’s half the battle won. Now all you have to do is win him over. You’ve done it once before, goodness knows how, but I’m sure you can do it again.”

Liv huffs a little laugh, before grabbing Chas for another hug, this time there’s no tears though because for the first time since this whole mess started she believes that things might just be okay after all.

~~

  
“Seriously Aaron, I can walk you know.” Robert taps his foot impatiently as he’s wheeled down the hospital corridors and he swears that everyone is looking at him as they pass.

Aaron scoffs, “Yeah okay. So, that wasn’t you falling over five minutes ago, when you tried to stand up?”

“Whatever,” Robert huffs. He’s pretty sure he’s pouting but Aaron can’t see so he doesn’t care. “I just stood up too fast that’s all, I would have been fine after a minute if you’d just left me alone.”

“Are you going to be like this all the way home?” Aaron questions, as they continue their journey down the corridor towards the car park where he’s had to park on the top floor of the 10-storey building.

“Like what?” Robert attempts to turn around to face Aaron. It’s weird having a conversation with someone when they’re standing behind you. He immediately regrets it though as he’s hit with a wave of dizziness, causing his stomach to revolt. “Aaron stop!”

“What so you can try and stand up again, I don’t think so. You can just stay there until we get to the car.” Aaron’s watching where he’s going, the wheels of the chair have a life of their own and he’s already come close to running one of the nurses over.

“Would you just stop, please?!” Robert tries to put some force behind his words but it comes out more of plea than a command. It works though because Aaron’s pulling to the side of the corridor and the next thing he knows his face is swimming in front of his.

“Rob. Are you okay? What’s wrong? Should we go back?” Aaron’s voice is tinged with worry and Robert hates it. He’d been tiptoeing around him all week when he’d come in for visiting hours and it was already starting to grate on his nerves.

He’s bending forward in the chair now, trying to control his breathing. If he just sits still for a minute the room will stop spinning and his stomach will settle. It’s a trick that he’s had to learn over the past week for every time that he forgets about his head wound and moves too quickly.

He can’t help but let out a weak chuckle at that thought, _forgetting_ about his head injury. If only that was the only thing that he was forgetting.

“Okay, I’m going to take you back because clearly if you think any of this is funny there’s more wrong with you than just amnesia.” Robert can hear the panic in Aaron’s voice now, he needs to do something to calm him. Reaching out his hand he grabs Aaron’s arm to stop him from moving, before looking up at him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m okay honestly. I just want to go home.” Robert’s pleading with him now, and he really doesn’t care. As much as he is terrified of going back to Emmerdale, to the life that he doesn’t remember, he’s just glad to be getting out of the hospital. He’s never been one for being inactive and lying in bed all day is driving him crazy.

Aaron just nods his head at him, giving him a look that says I really don’t believe you before he asks, “So what was that all about then?”

Robert can feel himself blush, he hates the way Aaron’s looking at him, like he’s going to break at any minute. It just feels wrong, it should be the other way around. Robert should be looking after Aaron, after what he’d revealed to him just days ago, He has to mentally shake himself then, a reminder that it wasn’t days ago, as much as it feels like it to Robert, for Aaron it’s been over a year.

“You were talking and I tried to turn around, kind of forgot that was a bad idea. I just thought it was funny, that I’d forgotten, considering my current mental state.”

“Oh yeah, this whole thing is hilarious.” Aaron’s standing up again now, turning his back to Robert. He can tell how much this is hurting Aaron, it’s written all over him and Robert wishes he could take that pain away.

“I’m sorry Aaron, I didn’t think….” Robert begins, his words dying in his throat as Aaron turns to look at him.

“That’s the problem Robert, you didn’t think. You had a brain tumour and you told me in a note.” Aaron’s yelling now, seemingly oblivious to the looks that they’re getting from the people around them. “You were so confident that everything was going to be okay, you were going to be fine that you didn’t even stop to consider the consequences of it going wrong. “

Aaron must see something in Robert’s face because he stops mid-rant, swiping a hand down his face as he considers his actions.

“I’m sorry, that was unfair. I just have all this anger towards you, well the you that put us in this position and it’s hard sometimes. I forget that you’re not him. How can I be mad at you for something that the old you did?” He’s looking at Robert now, obviously waiting for some kind of response. When he doesn’t get one he sighs in defeat. “Let’s just get out of here, if you’re okay to move again.”

Robert doesn’t trust his voice to respond so he simply nods slightly, being careful to not move his head too much. It’s enough for Aaron though because he’s standing behind him, once again making their way out of the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> join me on tumblr @beyondthebridge


	9. Home?

As they pull up outside the back of the pub Robert’s heart is pounding, the car journey along the winding country roads has done nothing for his head either. He just wants to go lie down in a dark room somewhere, and pretend that none of this is happening. Perhaps if he does, he’ll simply wake up and find out this whole thing has been a bad dream.

They sit in silence for a while, Robert can feel Aaron casting glances in his direction but he doesn’t say anything. He’s obviously waiting for Robert to move first.

“Are you sure this is okay? I mean I can go and stay with Vic.” He casts a nervous glance towards Aaron, before turning back to stare at the back wall of the pub like it’s the most interesting thing in the world, scared that Aaron’s going to change his mind and tell him that it’s all been a mistake.

Instead he feels a hand squeezing his knee, it’s gentle and reassuring, but it doesn’t last long; Aaron’s pulling away again before Robert can say anything.

“I’ve told you Rob, you live here now. I know you don’t remember and that’s okay but the doctor said that the best thing for you is to try and live normally, that it will help bring your memory back.” Aaron’s moving now, opening the car door, before turning back to Robert. “Come on, they’re not gonna bite you know.”

Robert purses his lips, still staring resolutely at the wall. The thought of going into the pub, of seeing Chas for the first time since she told him to stay away from Aaron, fills him with dread. He has to mentally correct himself though, because it’s not the first time he’s seen her since then. According to Aaron him and Chas have a bond now, she no longer hates him and he has been accepted as part of the family.

It wasn’t for the first time in the last week that he felt as though he’d fallen down a rabbit hole and woken up in Wonderland. His whole life is supposedly different now, he’s supposed to be different and he’s not sure how he’s going to live up to expectations.

“You coming or what?” Aaron’s standing at the side of him, car door open. He’s holding his bag in one hand, whilst offering the other to Robert.

“Um, yeah.” Robert swallows thickly, pushing himself out of the passenger seat. He doesn’t want to take Aaron’s offer of help but he knows after the incident in the hospital and the car ride over that he’ll never make it inside without help, and he’d rather not end up back there because he’s been stupid and fallen over.

He offers Aaron a small smile, before planting his eyes firmly on the floor. He’s found that if he’s looking down at his feet whilst walking it helps to abate some of the dizziness, keeping him on track.

They’ve taken maybe ten steps when Aaron stops beside him. He looks up to find Aaron’s sister, Liv, coming out of the pub doorway. She looks just as uncomfortable as he feels, looking him up and down before she turns her attentions to Aaron.

“Chas said I could go to Gabby’s for tea, I’ll be back by 9.”

“Have you done your homework?” Aaron questions and it takes Robert by surprise. Robert doesn’t realise that he’s frowning at Aaron until Liv turns her attentions back to him.

“What?”

Robert’s taken aback by her directness, he considers her carefully before responding. “Just wondering when your brother became the type of person who cares about other people doing their homework; I know for a fact that he never did his.”

That earns him a little smile from Liv, and a dig in the ribs from Aaron.

“Ow”, he winces, rubbing at his side, unable to contain his grin. “Injured man here.”

Aaron rolls his eyes at that and Robert can’t help but notice that Liv does the same thing; you can tell their brother and sister. “It’s your head that’s injured, not the rest of you.”

“Actually, speaking of injuries,” Liv cuts in before either of them can say anything else, “I’ve been doing some research on amnesia and brain injuries and stuff.” Robert can’t help but notice the slight flush of her cheeks as she talks, or the look that Aaron’s giving her like he can’t believe his ears.

“Yeah, so they say that physical memories are the most powerful ones, they’re the ones that are easiest to remember, so I can always kick you in the nuts again. You might actually remember me then.”

“Liv” Aaron snaps but Liv is already moving past them down the path, clearly thinking better of her suggestion.

“I’m only trying to help.” She gives him a mischievous smirk before turning her back on them completely.

“Do I even want to know? By the sounds of it that’s one memory I’d rather not have.” He can’t help but wince at the idea of being kicked down there by an angry teenage girl.

“Yeah,” Aaron can’t help but wince in sympathy, “that was how you and Liv first met actually. She tried to steal my wallet, you went after her and she kicked you.”

Aaron’s laughing now, the memory of him being assaulted by his little sister is clearly something that he finds funny. “Sorry, it wasn’t funny really, it was just, you’re face.”

“Huh, yeah.” Robert chuckles nervously, not really knowing what to say in response to that.

 Aaron stops laughing abruptly. “I’m sorry.”

Robert’s frowning, “for what?”

“For Liv, for everything, for you losing your memory.” Aaron flashes a tight smile before he’s putting his hand on Robert’s back again, guiding him towards the pub.

“Yes, because all of that is your fault.” Robert bites back, the few minutes they spent standing here has taken more out of him then he would care to admit. He just wants to get inside so that he can sit down before he falls down. “Can we just, talk about this later when my head doesn’t feel like it’s going to split in two.”

“Come on.” Aaron’s got a firmer grip on his arm now as they make their way up the steps and into the pub.

 

~~

Aaron deposits Robert on their bed before going in search of something for him to change into. He looks like he’s about ready to drop, and could probably do with having a nap. After rifling through the drawers he finds an old t-shirt and a pair of tracksuit bottoms. They’re his but then Robert doesn’t really do comfortable clothing and he’s pretty sure that he’s not going to be comfortable sleeping in the nude as he usually does.

Turning around he’s surprised to find that Robert hasn’t moved at all, he’s just staring vacantly around the room, eyes slightly unfocused.

“Rob, you okay?” Aaron wants to touch him, but he’s not sure how Robert will react to that, it hasn’t gone down well so far over the past week.

“These are my bed covers.” He says matter of fact, “and that’s my lamp. All of my things are in your room.” He sounds confused and Aaron’s heart breaks a little bit more that he doesn’t remember any of this. He knows it’s going to be a slow process of Robert getting his memory back but there was still a part of him that was hoping he’d have a magical epiphany once they got home from the hospital.

“Well yeah, this is our room, not just mine. Like I said, we’ve been living together for a while now.” Aaron doesn’t really know what to do or say to make this better. Robert looks so lost, it’s something he’s not used to seeing in his fiancé.

“I know, it’s just weird. Seeing all my stuff here and having no memory of how it got here. I can’t help feeling like I shouldn’t be here, you know.” Robert’s glancing up at him nervously now, eyes roving restlessly from him to the other things in the room.

He sighs, dropping the clothes on the bed before sitting next to Robert, their thighs touching. “Rob, look at me.” Aaron is shocked when for once Robert does as he is asked. “I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish I knew how you were feeling because maybe then I’d be more help but I have no idea what this is like for you. So, the only thing that I can do is promise that I will be here for you, every step of the way, no matter what happens.” Aaron decides to risk a touch, it’s been too long, and he’s longing to comfort Robert, even a little bit.

He leans slightly, his shoulder bumping Robert’s now, before he reaches a hand across to touch his knee. He’s pleasantly surprised when he doesn’t jump in response, instead he’s leaning into him now, nestling his hand on top of Aaron’s.

Aaron doesn’t want to move, this is the most normal he’s felt all week, but he can tell from the fact that Robert is gradually putting more weight onto him that he’s falling asleep, and this is really not the most comfortable of positions to be stuck in.

“Hey,” he nudges Robert, “As much as I would love to stay here all day, you’re probably better of lying down to sleep. Your neck won’t thank you if you fall asleep sitting up.”

Robert hums in response, clearly halfway gone already. So, Aaron decides that it’s probably best if he just helps Robert lay down on the bed where he is, and forget about getting him changed. They can deal with that later.

It takes longer than it should but Robert is being completely uncooperative. He manages in the end to get Robert propped up on the pillow under the duvet. He’s just about to leave when he hears Robert’s questioning, “Aaron?”

“Yeah, Rob, I’m just going to go downstairs and let you get some rest okay.”

“Don’t go.” Robert’s struggling to lift his head off the pillow now, and he’s looking at Aaron with the puppy dog eyes that he just can’t resist. As if he would deny him anything now anyway.

“What?” He’s confused, there’s been a distance between them this week, understandably so, but now Robert’s asking him not to go. It’s caught him off guard.

Robert’s looking away from him again, eyes downcast, a red flush of shame fills his cheeks. “Never mind, pretend I didn’t say anything.”

Aaron’s moving again now, towards the bed. He flings his shoes off into the corner of the room, before shuffling onto the bed next to Robert. “Don’t be daft. I’m not going anywhere, if you don’t want me too.”

“I know it’s stupid, but I can’t shake the feeling that I shouldn’t be here. That your Mum’s going to come in any minute and throw me out, or worse Cain.” His eyes are sliding shut again now, the events of the day obviously taking their toll on his already fragile state.

Aaron can’t help but smile at the idea that Robert wants him to stay for protection; he’s actually scared of his Mum. But then again, a year ago they were two very different people.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your lovely comments, it really means so much to know that people are reading and enjoying this fic. I'm sorry for the late posting, RL just kind of got in the way a bit. Anyway, I hope it was worth the wait and that you enjoy this next chapter.

As Aaron is jerked back to consciousness it takes him a while to figure out where he is and what he’s doing there. He remembers as he feels the shuffling of a body beside him that he’d told Robert he’d stay with him while he took a nap. It seems that the events of the past week had caught up with him more than he’d realised, as he’d drifted off too.

Turning to check on Robert he’s startled to find him with his head propped up on his arm just watching him.

“How long have you been awake?” He questions, rubbing at his eyes.

“Not long, “come’s Robert’s soft reply. “You looked peaceful so I thought I’d just leave you.”

“Thanks,” Aaron nods. “Haven’t had much sleep the past week to be honest.”

Robert’s looking at him now like he wants to say something but he doesn’t know how to say it. It’s a look Aaron’s seen many times, and it usually means that he doesn’t want to say whatever it is because he thinks it’s going to hurt him in some way.

He decides that the best thing to do is just wait it out, Robert will open up about whatever it is eventually, if only to break the awkward silence between them. Instead he’s shocked when Robert’s hand snakes across the bed to take hold of his left wrist.

He frowns at the action, thrown for a moment before he realises that Robert wants to see his arm; the place where he’d cut himself a year ago. Robert pushes up the sleeve of Aaron’s hoodie slightly, tracing small, careful but purposeful circles around the inside of his wrist. He’s searching for the spot, Aaron knows, and debates just pushing up the sleeve himself so that Robert can see the whole ugly mess.

He’s told him countless times that he’s beautiful just the way he is. That he doesn’t care about the scars that litter Aarons body, but for Aaron they will always be a reminder of his weakness, of the darker times in his life when he didn’t have Robert to guide him through the storm of emotions that plagued him on a near constant basis.

“Can I?” Robert’s looking at him now, instead of where his thumb is on his wrist. He’s asking for permission to see, further evidence of just how much time he’s lost after the surgery.

Aaron nods, unsure that his voice will hold if he tries to speak. He can already feel the tears prickling in the corner of his eyes.

Robert’s sitting up now, so that he can use both hands to manoeuvre Aaron’s sleeve, and he can’t help but get emotional again at the gentleness with which Robert is treating him, as though he’s afraid that he might break any minute.

Robert’s thumb is hovering over the scar, as though he’s afraid to touch it now that he can see it fully. He hears him take a deep breath beside him before his thumb is brushing the angry red line on his forearm. It’s not like the others that have all faded to almost invisible lines, barely there, this one stands out, a stark reminder of how close he came to dying, how he would have died if it hadn’t been for Robert.

He searches Robert’s face, waiting for him to say or do something. Instead he’s just sitting there, his thumb resting lightly on the scar and he seems vacant, as though he’s somewhere else entirely. Aaron’s just about to say something when he shudders slightly, before seemingly coming back to himself.

He’s looking at Aaron now, confusion evident on his face, but he doesn’t say anything, just sits searching Aarons face for something; what he’s not sure.

“You okay?” He doesn’t want to move, as Robert still has his hand on his arm, and right now Aaron will take any contact he can.

“Yeah, just have I done that before?” Robert’s frowning before looking down at his hand still on Aaron’s arm. As though he’s been burned, he’s suddenly pulling his hand away, rubbing his thumb and forefinger together, staring intently as he does, as though trying to piece together some puzzle that only he can see.

Aaron can’t help but smile slightly at the memory that comes to mind. Robert’s done this many times, rubbed his thumb along his scar when he’s needed comfort but he’ll never forget the day he did it in the hospital after the crash, when he’d proposed to him.

“Actually yeah, you have. Do you remember something?” Aaron can’t keep the hopefulness from seeping into his voice as he searches Robert’s face for any hint of an answer.

Robert sighs, mouth downturned. “Not really a memory, just de ja vu, like I’d been here before you know?” He’s visibly closing in on himself again now, shoulders slumping as he pushes away from Aaron. “Sorry.”

It’s muttered and Aaron almost doesn’t hear it. In all honesty, he almost wishes he hadn’t because it fills him with a sadness and anger that he doesn’t know what to do with. He wants to shout and scream at Robert for being so selfish and for not giving him the chance to prepare for this, but he can’t; it won’t help anything. It seems as though Robert’s beating himself up enough for the two of them anyway.

“Hey, don’t be sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry for. The fact that you even had a hint of something is a good sign. It’s going to be okay.” Aaron’s reaching over to him now, grabbing hold of his hand before giving it a squeeze. “Come on, I’m starving. Let’s go and get something to eat, got to keep your strength up.”

He half expects Robert to come back with some innuendo about needing all the strength he can get when it comes to being in bed with Aaron, but quickly pushes the thought away as he realises that’s not his reality anymore; at least for now.

Instead he’s up and moving across the room before he can think too much about it. A quick glance back tells him that Robert isn’t following him, in fact he hasn’t moved at all. “Rob? You coming?”

“Urgh yeah” The reply is halting, and Aaron can’t help but frown as Robert still has yet to move from his spot on the bed. “I just, you know, can’t shake the feeling that I’m not welcome here, after everything.” He puts a hand up to stop Aaron, as he opens his mouth to reply. “Before you say anything, I know, I live here now, but I can’t just shut off all these feelings that I don’t belong here, that I don’t deserve to be here.”

Aaron finds himself making his way back over to the bed now, sitting down beside Robert, a hand brushing against his knee. Now that Robert’s not jumping at every touch, all he wants to do is reach out, wherever and whenever he can.

“You were vulnerable Aaron, after everything with your dad. How do I know that we didn’t just get back together because you were hurting and needed someone, and I took advantage of that? Because that’s the sort of thing I would do you know.”

Robert’s pulling away from his touch, drawing his knees up before wrapping his arms around them protectively. He’s creating a barrier between them and Aaron just wants to go and grab a hammer and smash it down.

Robert’s words hit him like a punch to the gut, it physically hurts him to know that Robert thinks so little of himself and he’s finding it hard to breath, the world spinning around him. He knows all too well now the signs of a panic attack, yet he’s powerless to do anything to stop it.

He’s vaguely aware of movement in his peripheral vision but getting his eyes to focus on one point in particular is an extra struggle that he doesn’t need right now. He’s having a hard enough time just breathing, let alone anything else.

Time seems to lose all meaning when in the grip of a panic attack. He’s learnt from experience that what to him seems like hours as he takes each laboured breaths is in reality only usually a minute or two; it doesn’t make it any less scary each time it happens though.

The next thing he’s aware of is a strong pair of hands gripping his upper arms, and a voice, he can’t quite make out who, telling him to breath.

The hands are rubbing soothing circles up and down his arms now, offering some comfort in the wilderness of his mind.

“Just breath, follow me. In….Out….In…Out… That’s it love, you’re doing great. Just focus on me okay.” Definitely not Robert then, because he would never in a million years call him love. He’s trying to search his mind, to put the words to a face but it’s not happening; it’s like his brain has shut down all unnecessary functions as it fights to gain control of his body.

He’s breathing easier now, following the breaths as he’s commanded. Deciding to risk opening his eyes to see if the world has stopped spinning yet, he sees the blurry image of him Mum swimming into view. As she comes into focus, everything seems to slot into place. Of course it was her; she’s had plenty of experience dealing with his panic attacks in the past.

A quick glance to his right gives him all the information he needs on the whereabouts of Robert, who’s currently standing as far in the corner as it’s possible to be without actually being part of the wall. He huffs a breathy laugh at the sight.

“You okay now?” Chas questions, still rubbing her hands along his arms as she kneels in front of him.

He nods, “yeah, I think so,” before swiping at his eyes with his hand, brushing away the unshed tears. “Would you mind, you know? We’ll be down in a minute.”

“Of course, love. I’ll put the kettle on yeah?” She casts a quick glance at Robert, giving him a reassuring smile before leaving them alone once again.

“Aaron, I…” Robert begins from his position in the corner, making no attempt to move any closer.

“No, let me. You were right when you said that after everything with my Dad I was vulnerable and I did reach out for you. I wanted you so badly that it hurt not to have you. But you’re so wrong about you, and the way you handled it. I gave you every opportunity to be with me, but you pushed me away. You didn’t want to take advantage of the state I was in, you knew I was messed up and there was no way that starting anything would have been a good idea.”

Robert’s brow is crinkling in confusion now, clearly trying to wrack his brain around this new set of facts, “that doesn’t sound very much like me at all.”

Aaron can’t help but laugh at that. “Yeah, maybe not the old you, but love does strange things to people. I’d do anything for you, and I know you’d do anything for me. You’ve told me enough times. Robert, you told me back then that you’d wait for me. Well, I’m telling you now that I’ll wait for you, however long it takes.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you all so much for all your amazing comments and kudos, it really does mean so much to know that you're all reading and enjoying this.

“Alright love,” Chas peers around the corner of the kitchen counter as Aaron, followed by a reluctant looking Robert enter the backroom of the pub.

“Yeah, thanks for, you know.” Aaron waves his hands as though he’s trying to pluck the words from the air. Trying and failing, he settles for a small smile instead, before it’s replaced by an expression of tiredness and doubt.

Chas abandons the washing up in the bowl before making her way across the room towards them. Her arms outstretched, she reaches towards Aaron for a hug. She knows that he needs this just as much as she does right now. Hates seeing him hurting like this, and it’s made worse by the fact that there’s nothing she can do about it; for either of them.

She looks at Robert then, seeing him for the first time in a week. She’d not been to the hospital to visit after finding out that he’d lost a year of his memory, knowing that it would do nothing to help him if she did.

Now that he’s here in front of her, she can’t help but be thrown by the deep circles around his eyes, he looks off-balance, not the usual cocky, confident Robert Sugden she’s grown to know and love. He’s timid, standing a couple of steps behind Aaron, just enough that his body is shielded fully from her view. He’s using Aaron as a buffer from her and she can’t help but feel saddened at the sight.

She does her best to remain calm and upbeat about the situation though, knowing that anything less is not going to help either of them right now. She needs to be strong for them both, to remember that they will get through this, and that the old Robert is in there somewhere.

“Robert? Are you going to come in, or you just gonna hide behind Aaron all night?” Chas quips, deciding that acting as normal as possible is probably the best way to go. She knows that if Robert weren’t feeling so vulnerable right now he would want nothing less.

She can’t help but wince, trying to keep her smile in place as he visibly stiffens when she addresses him.

“Uh yeah,” he shifts nervously, eyes flitting around the room as he takes a step forward, before looking to Aaron for support.

“Go and sit down yeah, I’ll make us a brew.” Aaron gives Robert a gentle touch on the arm before following making his way to the kitchen, leaving Chas and Robert alone.

There’s an awkward, uncomfortable silence as Robert doesn’t move at first, just stares across the room at Aaron. Chas can see the fear in his face at being left alone with her and it hurts her more than she would have thought possible.

So much about their relationship had changed over the last year, they’d gone from hating each other, to tolerating each other, to caring about each other; and not just because of Aaron. Seeing Robert standing in front of her, cowering away from her like a child afraid that he was going to get a telling of for doing something naughty made her realise just how far they’d come, and how much she missed the new and improved Robert Sugden.

“I’ll just go and help Aaron with the tea.” Chas gestures awkwardly towards the kitchen, before leaving Robert alone in the living room, in favour of joining Aaron in the kitchen. It’s not often that she finds herself not knowing what to say, but right now she has no idea what she’s doing.

Aaron’s bustling around the kitchen, pouring the milk into the mugs when she grabs hold of his arm, stopping his momentum.

Aaron frowns at her, before placing the milk down on the side as he waits for her to say whatever it is she’s got bubbling up.

“Has he been like this the whole time?” She whispers, peering around the side of the counter to check that Robert isn’t listening. Aaron’s raising his eyebrows, confusion evident, as he shakes his head slightly, waiting for her to elaborate. “Aaron, he’s looking at me like a frightened puppy and I’m a Pitbull getting ready to attack.”

“Er yeah, I think he’s a bit scared of yah to be honest,” Aaron replies, before peering around the corner himself to check that Robert is still there; Chas can’t help but follow suit. He’s at least sitting on the sofa now, perched on the edge as though he’s ready to spring up at any moment. He turns back to her before adding, “We’ve talked about it a bit, but you know I haven’t pushed him. He just feels like he shouldn’t be here, what with the last thing he remembers you saying to him being that you didn’t want him anywhere near me.”

Chas sighs, brushing her hair away she puts on her best smile. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to do my best to show him that things have changed, until he can remember them for himself.”

Aaron smiles briefly, “thanks mum,” before he’s turning back to the abandoned, half-made cups of tea.

Chas enters the living room to find Robert no longer waiting patiently on the sofa, instead he’s moved to the other side of the room, looking at the photos on the wall; one in particular seems to have caught his attention.

“We took that at Christmas, round at our Lisa’s. I think you’d had a few by then, judging by the dopey grin on your face.” Chas slides up next to him, seeing that the picture he’s looking at so intently is one of him, Liv, and Aaron in their Christmas jumpers. “If I remember rightly, Marlon was trying to do _The Hobbit”_ , she huffs a laugh at the memory of seeing Marlon taking his turn at charades behind them as she’d tried to take the photo. It had taken several attempts to get one that wasn’t completely blurry, what with the laughter and the amount of alcohol that she’d consumed.

“We look so happy.” Robert’s voice was small, sad, lost as he continued to stare at the picture, as though if he stared at it long enough the memory might come flooding back to him. “Who’d have thought it, me spending Christmas at the Dingles?”

Chas can’t help but laugh at that, “never would have crossed my mind in a million years if I’m honest.”

Robert winced, glancing away from the photo with a frown creasing his brow as he made his way back to the sofa. He sat down heavily, playing nervously with his hands, head bowed forward, glancing down at the floor.

“Something I said,” Chas quipped, as she sat down on the arm of the sofa, not wanting to invade his space too much as something was clearly bothering him.

“No, it’s not you, it’s just, I can’t get over the fact that half of the people in that room would have gladly done anything they could to keep me from getting within 100 miles of Aaron, and there I am celebrating Christmas with them, like one of the family.”

“Well, you are one of the family now. Sorry but there’s no getting away from it, they’ll have you drinking out of the welly next.” Chas couldn’t help but laugh at Robert’s look or both confusion and disgust at the thought of drinking out of a welly. Of course, that was something else he didn’t know about. “Don’t worry, just a long-standing Dingle tradition.”

“I’m not so sure I want to be part of the family if I have to do stuff like that. I am a Sugden you know, we should maintain some dignity.”

Robert was smiling now, a genuine smile and for just a split-second Chas could see the old, confident, self-assured little shit who had no problems making fun of her and it made her heart melt.

Without taking the time to second guess herself Chas leant down and punched Robert playfully on the arm, “oy you, you wanna watch it talking about my family like that.” She grinned, and was relieved to see that Robert was grinning back.

“Yeah, with your lot who knows what could happen to me.” Robert threw back with a grin, reflexively. Chas could see the moment that he realised what he’d said as his whole-body language changed, once again withdrawing back into himself, eyes downcast, the smile gone.

“Hey, none of that. You’re not going to go hiding away from me again.” Chas slid from the arm of the sofa to sit next to Robert, giving him a gentle nudge to move along the sofa a little so she had room to sit properly. “It may not feel like it, but you making fun of me is a good thing, you do it all the time.”

Robert swiped furiously at his eyes, wiping away the unshed tears; he refused to cry in front of Chas. “It’s just so frustrating. I keep doing or saying things and I don’t know where they’re coming from, it’s like it’s my body, my mouth but they’re someone else’s thoughts and words, you know?”

Robert’s looking at her hopefully, and she doesn’t know what to say. Of course, she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, she’s never been through anything like this before, but she can hardly say that or it will have him running a mile. Tact has never been her strong suit though, so she settles for something in between.

“No love, I don’t know what you mean, I’m sorry.” She places a hand on his back as he looks away from her again now, “but, don’t be scared to voice those thoughts, they’re obviously coming from somewhere, and maybe the more you give in to them, the closer you get to getting all your memories back.”

She doesn’t wait for him to say anything in return, instead she leans in and pulls him in for a hug. She feels the resistance at first, his body tense and unyielding, but then something seems to give and he’s leaning into her. He’s not returning the hug, but she considers the fact that he’s even willing to get close to her like this has to be a victory.

Aaron comes around the corner then, cups of tea in hand. She can’t help but notice the smile that’s lighting up his face, the first genuine smile she’s seen him have in the last week and her heart melts all over again.

She’s been telling everyone; Aaron, Liv, Robert that everything’s going to be okay, that they’ll get through this together, but this is the first time that she has allowed herself to believe it.


	12. Chapter 12

“Hey Vic, have you seen Robert?” Aaron asks as he runs into her on her way back to the kitchen. He’d left him alone for five minutes while he’d ran upstairs to grab his phone and when he’d come back he’d gone.

That in itself shouldn’t have been enough to worry Aaron but since Robert had gotten back from the hospital two days ago, he’d barely left the back room, and only then when Aaron was with him. It was strange having Robert clinging to him like this but it wasn’t entirely unexpected since he was still adjusting to his ‘new’ life.

He’d been making progress though, the last couple of days, and Aaron was beginning to have hope that things would eventually return to normal. It wasn’t as fast as he or Robert would have liked but there were small things that he would say or do unconsciously that made them both realise that the memories were in there somewhere just trying to get out.

“Yeah, he just went through to the bar with Liv.” Vic replies with a smile. “He seems to be getting better, physically at least.”

She was of course referring to the headaches and dizziness that Robert had also been contending with since his surgery. Thankfully those symptoms seemed to be dying down, allowing Robert to get back to some kind of normal, whatever that was.

“Really?” Aaron frowns, before glancing towards the open door to the pub as though he might be able to see Robert through the tiny gap. “He actually went out there voluntarily? I’ve been trying to get him to leave the backroom for the last two days.”

Vic shrugs, before making her way past him towards the kitchen. “I have no idea, maybe Liv knows something we don’t because I’ve been doing the same thing. He wouldn’t even come into the kitchen in case Marlon was there.”

Aaron waves his hand vaguely in the direction of the doorway, before replying, “well I guess I should go and see what mess they’re getting themselves into.”

“Tell him I said hi, and if he wants any of my chocolate cake tonight he’s going to have to come and get it himself, I’m not bringing it to him if he can venture into the pub.” Vic grins, before pushing open the door with her bum and disappearing into the kitchen.

As Aaron rounds the corner to stand behind the bar he’s not sure what he expects to see but there’s one thing he does know for certain, that it wasn’t this. Robert is stood talking to Leyla and Pete having what seems to be a very animated discussion. He’s smiling, a proper care-free smile and Aaron can’t help but grin a little himself at the sight. Leyla’s laughing now at something Robert’s just said, which is weird because he knows Robert, he loves Robert and Robert is just not funny. He considers maybe that she’s just being polite, Leyla is that kind of person.

“Hey, you might want to close your mouth or you might catch a fly in there.” Charity startles him, appearing at his side, pint in hand.

“Robert’s talking to Leyla and Pete.” Aaron says lamely, not sure what else to say because this is a situation that he never envisioned.

“Wow, well done you. Glad to see your faculties are all intact.” Charity jokes before pressing the pint into his hand.

“Why is Robert talking to Leyla and Pete?” Chas appears now, hands on hips, standing on his other side, and Aaron turns to Charity as if to say; see, it is weird.

Charity just rolls her eyes at the both of them, before turning back to the bar, “seriously anyone would think that you’ve never seen Robert talk to another human being before. He is capable of being sociable you know. Maybe you should try it, and get over there. Then you’d find out what they’re talking about, rather than just gawping at the three of them.”

Chas just grins at him goofily, before nodding her head and shifting her eyes over to the three of them, clearly in agreement with Charity that he should just go over there.

“Fine,” Aaron huffs, glaring at the two of them as he makes his way around the side of the bar and over to the three of them. It’s then that he notices Liv for the first time sat at a table in the corner, scrolling through her phone.

He debates going over to talk to her instead, he really should make sure she’s okay since Robert seems to be completely fine with Leyla and Pete but he’s not given the option because Robert’s seen him making his way across the pub and he’s waving him over enthusiastically.

“Uh hey,” Aaron starts, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the whole situation because he really has no idea what’s going on.

“Hiya mate,” Pete gives him a smile, before taking another sip of his beer. Leyla is beaming beside him, looking as immaculate as ever, and Robert is still just grinning at him like a complete idiot.

“All right,” Aaron nods slightly, offering a small smile in return. He stands, awkwardly, waiting for someone else to pick the conversation back up again, but when no one says anything he adds, “what’s up?”

“Pete was just telling me about his new taxi business,” Robert replies, frowning slightly as he adds, “well, not so new anymore but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, Rob was just giving me some business tips,” Pete adds helpfully. Which explains why Robert looked so at ease, it’s the one topic of conversation he’s never had trouble with. Get him started about business of any kind and it’s impossible to shut him up. It was an easy, safe topic, and Aaron would have to thank Pete later when he next caught him on his own, because this was the most relaxed that he had seen Robert in ages.

“Yep, that explains it then.” Aaron replied, not elaborating any further.

“Explains what?” Leyla queried, confused.

Aaron chuckled a little to himself before adding, “why you were laughing just a minute ago,” Leyla’s look of confusion remained, eyes widening slightly as she shook her head, as though to say I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. “Well, it’s all I can do sometimes when Rob goes off on one of his rants about business practices and marketing.”

Leyla tries and fails to stifle a laugh at that, eyes flicking from Aaron, who’s also laughing and Robert who looks like he might want to punch Aaron right about now.

“On that note, I think we should be going.” Pete grabs Leyla’s arm and starts to pull her away, back to their table in the corner. “If you’re up for it, I’d love to hear more of your tips Rob.” He throws over his shoulder, before giving Leyla a nudge to keep moving.

“Yeah, sounds good.” Robert replies, before turning on his heels and making his way over to their own table in the back with Liv. He doesn’t bother waiting to see if Aaron is following him, as he slides into the booth opposite Liv, who is so engrossed in her phone she doesn’t acknowledge his presence.

Aaron slides in next to him, before placing a hand on his knee under the table. He’s hurt when Robert shrugs him off, shuffling slightly further into the booth, away from his touch.

Aaron frowns, searching Robert’s face for a hint of what he’s done wrong, because his sudden change in mood is giving him whiplash. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Robert shrugs, fiddling with the beermat on the table in front of him instead of looking at Aaron. “Maybe I just don’t like being made fun of.”

Aaron’s frowning now, considering what he’d said only moments ago, to Pete. It hadn’t been anything that he hadn’t said a hundred times to Adam, his mum, Cain. But then the penny drops and Aaron realises that Robert’s not used to this; the easy comfortable banter that they have between them where it’s okay to insult each other because they both know that the other doesn’t mean a word of it.

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it you know. It’s just a thing we _used_ to do. I insult you, you insult me and nobody means any of it.” Aaron nudges him with his elbow, trying to get a rise out of him. Robert does his best to resist, but Aaron just keeps digging him in the ribs until he can’t help but smile. “You know I love you right.”

“You’re an idiot.” Robert smirks, giving Aaron a slight push to get him to stop poking him.

Aaron can’t help but smile at that, before replying, “see there you go, you’re getting the hang of it already.”

“Oh, before I forget,” Robert starts, ignoring the wince that Aaron gives him at the use of the word, “no pun intended. I am so glad that we said no to Leyla doing our stag do. Pop music and dancing; urgh.” He lets out an involuntary shiver at the thought.

“Did she tell you about that?” Aaron queries, not sure where this is coming from.

“No, she was talking about wedding stuff though. I guess it just popped into my head.”

Aaron can see Robert looking confused as he and Liv share a look between them. Clearly Robert isn’t aware of what he’s just said or how significant it is, because even if it’s just the small things like this it means his memories are coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had three things that I wanted to happen in this chapter and I only managed to get one because it spiralled out of control as it always does. The next chapter may be a few days because I'm away until Thursday and it's going to be a big one so I want to make sure I get it right. 
> 
> Thank you as always for reading.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up guys. I was feeling the pressure on this one because it's this scene that originally started this whole fic idea and I put a lot of pressure on myself to make it right, and it took a few attempts for me to be happy with it. I hope you are too. 
> 
> I have been so overwhelmed by the love and support for this fic and I hope you continue to enjoy it as much as I am.

With Aaron back to work at the scrapyard at Robert’s insistence that he would be fine and wouldn’t try and push himself too much, Robert finds that he’s enjoying the peace and quiet of the empty pub.

Having his first shower in two weeks is just as enjoyable as he thought it would be. Not that he hasn’t bathed of course, but he’s been under strict instructions not to get his surgical scar wet.

He can’t help but laugh as the warm spray hits him, at how pathetic he must sound, to be getting excited over having a shower after so long, and it’s made even better for the fact that he doesn’t have to worry about being interrupted by one of the many other occupants of the pub wanting to use the bathroom; he can take as long as he likes.

With the water cascading down his back, he turns his face into the spray, enjoying the warmth as he feels the tension he’s been carrying washing away.

_They’re in the car, he’s holding a ring, they’re arguing._

_“What’s that?” Aaron’s looking at him, instead of looking at the road._

_“It’s for you, you idiot. I was going to ask you to marry me.” Robert’s shouting now, and he can see the look of confusion written across Aaron’s face._

_\--_

_“Don’t you ever do that to me again.” Robert wants to yell it, but Aaron’s just woken up from surgery so now is probably not the best time._

_“Yeah.” Aaron whispers, almost imperceptible._

_“Good.” Robert’s nodding now, a small smile daring to cross his lips, because everything’s going to be okay._

_“No, I mean yeah.” Aaron’s smiling now as he can obviously see the realisation dawning on Robert’s face._

_He’s scrambling for the ring that’s nestling safely in his pocket so that he can finally place it on Aaron’s finger, and make him his fiancé._

_\--_

_He’s trapped in a car, Aaron’s car. Water everywhere, seeping in through the sides and they’re sinking. Aaron’s next to him in the driver’s seat._

_“Just go. I’m not having you die in here with me.”_

_“He’s shaking his head, “I’m not leaving you.” There is no way on earth that he’s going to leave Aaron here to drown. He doesn’t care if he dies in here with him, at least they’ll be together. He knows with as much certainty as he’s ever felt that there is no way that he would be able to survive without Aaron._

_\--_

_He’s in the barn, their barn with Victoria. He’s practicing a speech, never felt so nervous as he does right now because he’s going to ask Aaron to marry him. But he knows that nothing has ever felt so right as this does, right now._

_\--_

_The heart monitor is blaring, and Robert’s world is crashing down around him. They’re being shuffled from the room by the medical team sweeping in, no time to protest as they swarm around Aaron, and Robert finds himself frozen in place, afraid to move because if he takes his eyes off Aaron, for even a second then Robert knows that he’s going to disappear._

~~

“Robert?” Aaron calls as he makes his way into the backroom of the pub. He’s home early thanks to Adam and Jimmy practically forcing him out the door. He’s pretty sure they did it for their own sanity as much as his; Robert hadn’t texted him back in over an hour and Aaron was starting to worry.

Jimmy and Adam had done their best to reassure him that it was probably nothing, but then he’d countered with the last time that he’d left Robert alone, thinking that everything was fine he’d ended up having brain surgery and losing a year of his memories.

They’d promptly thrown him out the door of the portacabin after that, knowing that he wasn’t going to be getting any work done anyway when he couldn’t go two minutes without checking his phone to see if he’d finally had a response from Robert.

Seeing no trace of Robert, Aaron makes his way upstairs, realising almost immediately where he’ll find his fiancé as he can hear the shower running. He shakes his head, before smiling to himself as he realises that this is the first time that Robert’s been able to have a shower in two weeks. No wonder he’s not been answering his texts, he’s probably been in there all this time, making the most of the uninterrupted bathroom time.

He’s standing in front of the bathroom door before he calls again. If he’d been doing this two weeks ago, he would simply have snuck in unannounced and joined Robert in the shower without even thinking about it. But now, with things being so different he’s not sure how Robert would react to his uninvited presence.

Instead he stands outside and calls Robert’s name again. He can’t help the feeling of fear that’s beginning to creep in as he stands, waiting for any kind of sound other than the running water to come from the bathroom.

“Robert, I’m coming in okay.” He shouts, hoping that this might illicit a reaction from his fiancé if he can hear him. He waits another couple of seconds, before pushing open the door to the bathroom and stepping inside.

His blood runs cold at the sight in front of him, of Robert slumped at the bottom of the shower, knees drawn up to his chest, eyes unfocused staring at some unseen horror.

Aaron’s across the room before he can think, reaching for Robert, touching his shoulder just to offer some kind of comfort from whatever is going on in his head.

Robert flinches at the touch, jerking away from Aaron slightly, but making no other motion to acknowledge his presence. On any other occasion, Aaron would be worried about Robert’s lack of reaction, but right now he’s more concerned with the fact that he’s absolutely freezing. Just touching his skin for that briefest of seconds Aaron knows that Robert’s been sat here a while, the spray of the shower now turned cold.

Before doing anything else, Aaron reaches up to turn the shower off, grabbing the nearest towel and wrapping it around Robert, who’s still not moved from his foetal position at the bottom of the shower.

“Robert.” Aaron tries again, trying to keep the tone of his voice neutral so as not to spook him. Aaron frowns at the lack of response once again, before deciding that he needs to act; he needs to get him out of the shower and warmed up as soon as possible, or they’re going to be adding hypothermia to the list of things that are wrong with Robert.

“Okay, come on, let’s get you into bed.” Aaron reaches around Robert from behind, pushing him forward slightly so that he can grab him underneath the arms and pull him out of the shower. He waits a beat to see if there’s going to be any reaction from Robert; he realises that he’s waiting for the usual quick reply along the lines of “you wish,” or “anytime” to his comment about getting Robert into bed.

He notices as he’s struggling to get Robert out of the shower that he’s shaking now, almost uncontrollably, which is making it that much harder to keep him upright. It’s like lifting a dead weight, and Aaron’s glad for once that he has experience with that kind of thing at the scrapyard.

Unfortunately, the scrap that he’s usually dealing with isn’t soaking wet and slippery so he’s not prepared when Robert slides out from underneath him, barely avoiding hitting his head on the wall as Aaron manages to catch him at the last second.

“Aaron?” Robert’s looking at him now, frowning, eyes unfocused. He can tell that he’s not entirely with it yet, but at least he’s talking and making some attempt to support his own weight, which is an improvement.

“Yeah Rob, I’m here.” Aaron’s kneeling beside him, placing a reassuring hand on his arm. “Come on, we need to get you out of here. Do you think you can stand?”

Robert’s looking at him like he’s just asked him the square root of 796. He watches as Robert glances down at himself sat at the bottom of the shower. His movements sluggish and deliberate. Aaron wants nothing more than to scoop him up and get him into their bedroom so he can warm him up, but he can see from Robert’s face that he needs to take this slowly.

“Cold” is the whispered response, before Robert’s pulling the now sodden towel tighter around his naked frame.

“Yeah I know. So how about we get you out of here, and get you into some warm clothes okay.” Aaron’s reaching for him again, getting a grip of his upper arms he pulls Robert to his feet, thankful that this time Robert aids him slightly. He’s not supporting his own weight fully, leaning on Aaron as they stumble towards the door, but he’s at least trying to help, even if his movements are uncoordinated. “You okay?” Aaron asks when they’re about half way down the hallway to their room.

Robert gives a barely imperceptible nod, eyes focused on the door in front of him as they make their slow, but steady way to their bedroom.

Shoving the door open with his shoulder, Aaron drags Robert into the bedroom, before depositing him on the bed and heading back down to the bathroom to get another, dry towel.

He gets back to find Robert curled up in a ball, lying on his side, shivering. Aaron freezes for a moment, hating seeing the man he loves look so small and pathetic and he hates to think what’s happened to make him like this.

“Robert, you need to sit up okay.” Aaron’s grabbing hold of his shoulder, gently pulling him back into a sitting position. “We just need to get you dry and get some clothes on and then you can rest okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” He hopes that by voicing it aloud it’s going to make it true, because he’s certainly not feeling confident about it right now.

Robert doesn’t say anything in response but Aaron’s glad that he’s at least trying to cooperate as he manoeuvres him into a sitting position, made even more difficult by the tremors that are now wracking his body.

Aaron manages to dry Robert off as much as possible and with some considerable effort he ends up in a pair of Aaron’s tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie; the first things that came to hand. Aaron knows Robert owns clothes that aren’t shirts and jeans but he’s not got a clue where to find them; probably stuffed at the back of the wardrobe somewhere.

Robert’s leaning against him now, what little energy he had drained by the effort of helping Aaron in his ministrations as best he could. Aaron takes hold of his hand and is relieved to find that it’s no longer ice cold to the touch.

“I’m sorry,” Robert slurs as he snuggles his face into Aaron’s neck.

Aaron freezes, he’s not sure if it’s because Robert’s defences are down or something else that’s driving him but this is the most intimate they’ve been since Robert lost his memories. He knows it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it’s just so Robert that he can’t help but feel a glimmer of hope.

“Hey, you’ve got nothing to be sorry about.” Aaron is quick to reassure him as he runs his hand down Robert’s back. “Let’s get you into bed yeah. Have a rest and then maybe you can tell me what happened.

Robert pulls away from him now, just enough so that he can look him in the eyes before he replies. “You almost died.” He pauses, as though considering his words carefully. “I don’t know what I’d do without you Aaron.”

“What?” Aaron’s confused, he has no idea where this is coming from. But then something hits him and it all makes sense. The shower, him dying. Robert’s obviously remembering their crash into the lake a few months before, except he can’t be remembering everything, because it was in no way his fault. “The crash? That wasn’t your fault. It was an accident.” Aaron’s doing his best to reassure him, but he’s not sure it’s sinking in as Robert’s leaning on him again, and he can just see that his eyelids are halfway closed.

Just as he thinks that Robert’s drifted off, he hears a faint, “I love you Aaron Dingle.”

“I love you too, you idiot.” Aaron replies, planting a kiss on the top of Robert’s head before he’s gently pushing him back up into a sitting position. “Come on, you can’t sleep on me all day, scoot over and you can actually lie down properly.

Robert does his best to wriggle his way down the bed with Aaron’s assistance, falling asleep before Aaron has the chance to cover him with the duvet.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't actually express how much your comments and kudos have meant to me on this fic. I am so glad that you're enjoying it as much as I am.

“No!” Aaron’s woken by a swift kick in the back as Robert shouts out against some unseen enemy. Turning to face his still sleeping fiancé, Aaron studies his face for any signs that he might be regaining consciousness anytime soon. Instead he’s given another kick, this time to the knee, as Robert calls out, “No Aaron, I’m not leaving you here.”

Aaron’s heart sinks at those words. He knows immediately where Robert’s mind had taken him and it’s not a good place for him to be. Reaching across to cup his face, Aaron rubs a thumb gently down the side of Robert’s cheek, knowing from experience that the best way to rouse him from a nightmare like this is through slow, deliberate movements.

“Robert,” he speaks softly, leaning forwards slightly to plant a gentle kiss on the top of Robert’s forehead.

“No, I can’t lose you. Not like this.” Robert’s no longer shouting and Aaron has to be thankful for small mercies; the last thing they need is his mum and Liv barging in on them like this. Instead Robert’s whimpering, curling into himself.

“Hey, you’re not going to lose me. I’m right here. You just have to open your eyes.” Aaron keeps his tone level and calm, even if inside he feels anything but. He hates seeing Robert like this, they’ve been here plenty of times of course, the first time around, when he’d almost died and told Robert to leave him. Robert said it was okay, he understood, but Aaron knows that deep down he’s never really forgiven him for that.

Aaron moves his hands down to Robert’s shoulder to give him a gentle shake, once again calling his name. “Robert, you need to wake up now. You’re okay. We’re safe in our bed.”

Something seems to click inside Robert’s head, whether it’s the words or the action Aaron doesn’t know, but Robert jerks away with a start, sitting bolt upright in the bed, breath coming heavy and fast. Aaron can only watch as Robert’s eyes rove around the room, trying to ground himself in his current surroundings.

“Hey,” Aaron says softly, reaching a hand out to touch Robert again, stopping just before he makes contact with his arm. He thinks maybe it’s best if he just gives him a few seconds to get his bearings.

He doesn’t have to wait too long for the contact though, at hearings Aaron’s voice Robert turns to him before lurching for him, all uncoordinated limbs as he tangles himself around Aaron like a drowning man grabbing for a lifeboat. Aaron’s taken aback to start with, doesn’t really know what to do for the best, but he sits and waits, returning the embrace, gently rubbing his hands along Robert’s back.

He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t want to push Robert to talk until he’s ready, can only imagine what it must be like to be assaulted with these memories out of nowhere, with no warning. So, they sit, for how long Aaron doesn’t know, but he listens as Robert’s heaving sobs begin to calm and his breathing evens out. He can feel him beginning to relax beneath his hands, the tension draining from his body.

“I’m sorry.” Robert finally mumbles against Aaron’s shoulder where he’s currently resting his head.

He doesn’t attempt to move though, so Aaron just holds him as he replies “Don’t be silly. You have nothing to apologise for. Do you want to talk about it?”

Aaron feels Robert tense against him, before he’s shaking his head, stray hairs tickling Aaron’s neck as he moves. He stops, before Aaron hears him take a deep breath, and he’s pushing himself away, pulling back from his arms.

He shuffles himself, sitting upright against the headboard, using the pillows as a cushion. “I feel like I’m going crazy.” His voice is small, broken and Aaron does everything he can not to reach forward and scoop him up into his arms again. All he wants to do is protect him but he’s fighting a losing battle. How can you protect someone from the power of their own mind?

When Robert doesn’t offer anything, further Aaron decides to break the silence, “I know it’s scary but getting your memories back is a good thing. It means you’re getting better.”

Robert scoffs, not bothering to lift his eyes from the spot on the bed that he’s decided to focus on. “Yeah, well if this is getting better, maybe I don’t want to remember the last year.”

“Don’t,” Aaron snaps, before he can stop himself. “Don’t you ever say that. We’ve been to hell and back this last year but I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Seeing Robert’s frown, and that Robert doesn’t seem to want to add anything to the conversation anytime soon, Aaron adds, “the last year brought us together. I’d go through it all again if I had to just to have you by my side.”

Aaron waits as he sees the confusion on Robert’s face turn to anger, before he’s running a hand through his already ruffled hair, releasing a long slow breath.

“That’s the problem though Aaron, you don’t have to live through it all again, apparently, I do. I can’t even take a stupid shower without having a breakdown because all I can see is you telling me to leave you in a sinking car. Why would you do that Aaron? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have the person you love tell you to leave them to die?”

Aaron can see that Robert’s shaking again, whether it’s from anger, fear or something else he can’t tell. “I don’t know how many times I can tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for telling you to leave me. I’m sorry for almost dying on you. I’m sorry for crashing the damn car in the first place. I’m sorry for ruining your proposal. I’m sorry, okay. Is that what you want to hear?”

“No,” Robert snaps back, eyes boring back into Aaron’s now with intensity, “yes. Maybe.” He adds, voice trailing off as though the confidence in what he’s saying is gone.

Aaron sighs, worrying at his lip with his teeth, unsure of where to go from here; wishing there was something to say. He’s angry at Robert; angry for the way he’s behaving, angry for putting them through all of this in the first place and that makes him feel sick. What right does he have to be angry about any of this? He doesn’t, but it’s still there gnawing away at him. So, he pushes it back down, filing it away for later, for a better time when Robert’s not falling apart in front of him. 

“I want to help you Robert and I’ll do whatever I can, you know that,” Aaron watches Robert’s hands worrying the duvet. “But you need to talk to me. Please.” He hates the pleading sound in his voice, but can’t do anything about it. He’s said it now, and he’s holding his breath as he waits to see if Robert’s going to answer him.

Robert’s hands still, before he’s smoothing the duvet down over his lap. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles, not looking Aaron in the eyes. “I shouldn’t be taking this out on you, I’m just scared and getting those stupid memories yesterday just made it ten times worse.”

The silence stretched on for what felt an eternity as Aaron waited to see if Robert was going to say anything else.

“Okay, well that’s a start.” Aaron broke the silence, before placing a hand on top of Robert’s, stilling it. “Come on, I’m supposed to be the sulky silent one. You’re the chatty one who won’t shut up, remember?”

“Really Aaron?” Robert’s giving him side eyes before his lips are curling up into a smile. “Trust you to know how to make me feel so much better.”

Aaron’s frowning now, confused as he runs back over what he’s just said. It hits him then and he can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it, asking a man with amnesia if he remembers. It had been a slip of the tongue, something he hadn’t even noticed and probably never would have if Robert hadn’t picked him up on it.

He’s shrugging now, before nudging Robert with his elbow. “I would say sorry but it’s put a smile back on your face, so I’m really not. I didn’t even think about it though, it just slipped out.”

Robert huffs a laugh before replying, “don’t worry about it. It’s already forgotten.” The grins gotten wider as he makes another joke at his own expense, and Aaron can’t help but join in. Robert’s laugh really is infectious and he’s missed it these last few weeks.

It’s so easy to just slip back into this feeling of normality, if only for a few seconds as everything seems right with the world again. But then Robert’s face falls, the laughter stops and he’s turning to face Aaron with a look of deadly seriousness.

“I don’t remember everything, just flashes.” He pauses and Aaron’s not sure that’s going to continue, he’s just about to say something when Robert says, “I remember practicing my speech with Vic in the barn, you telling me to leave you in that damn car. But I didn’t, I couldn’t.” He’s frowning now, obviously trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together in his head. “I don’t, I don’t know how we got out but I just remember being at the hospital and you…”

Aaron can’t hold off anymore, reaching forward to pull Robert into him as he breaks down. Tears flowing freely, his body shaking with the force of the emotions. Aaron does his best to offer words of comfort but he’s not sure what to say so he settles for, “but I didn’t, did I? I’m still here. We’re still here.”

He loses track of the time as they stay like that, Robert’s sobs eventually subsiding to no more than muffled hiccups every now and again. He makes no attempt to move from Aaron’s embrace, and he’s fine with that. He’ll stay here all night if he has too.

“Mhmphs,” Robert mumbles into his chest.

“What?” Aaron can’t help but laugh slightly as he fails to understand a word of what he just said. “I can’t hear you with your head buried down there. I’m sorry to say you might actually have to move for us to have this conversation.”

Aaron hears Robert mumble something else before he’s slowly, reluctantly unfurling himself from Aarons arms.

“I said, one good thing came out of this whole thing.” Robert’s smiling at him now, expectantly, obviously waiting for him to probe further for information.

“Oh yeah, what’s that then?” Aaron questions.

“I remember why I wanted to marry you.” Robert’s blushing as he looks down at Aaron’s hand, the ring on his finger glinting against the light. “I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know I love you, there’s just a big gap between being just friends a year ago to being engaged. I may not know all the in-between bits yet but I know one thing for certain, and that’s that I can’t live without you. I almost lost you, twice and it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I don’t ever want to feel like that again.”

“Does that mean you’re ready to wear your ring again?” Aaron asked hopefully, already moving to grab it from the drawer of his bedside table where it had been sitting for the last two weeks, waiting for Robert to reclaim it; reclaim him.

He was stopped by a hand on his arm, pulling him back onto the bed. The elation that he’d felt only moments ago was quickly replaced by a feeling of dread. He knew he wasn’t going to like what he was about to hear, but he had to keep it together; for Robert’s sake.

Robert took hold of his hand, thumb stroking lightly across the ring on Aaron’s finger. “I said I remember why I wanted to marry you. I don’t remember why you would want to marry me.”

Aaron opened his mouth to protest; he wanted to tell him that he was being an idiot, why wouldn’t he want to marry him? But Robert didn’t give him a chance to respond before continuing.

“Just hear me out. I know with absolute certainty that you love me. I know that you would do anything for me, the last few weeks have shown me that. But what I don’t know is why. That ring, it’s a symbol of your relationship with a man that doesn’t exist right now. He’s a better man, someone who’s worthy of you. I don’t know who that man is, because he’s not me, Aaron. I’m sorry, I can’t wear it again until I know for myself that I am the man you deserve, the man you said yes too.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a monster chapter, the longest yet and the hardest to write. Thank you so much for everyone who's taken the time to comment or leave kudos. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting, RL got in the way this week and it really has been like pulling teeth to get this chapter finished. But I'm getting started on the next one now so hopefully the wait won't be too long this time.

Adam arrives at the scrapyard early to find that Aaron’s already beaten him too it. He’s surprised to find him with his face buried in the remains of a beaten up Corsa. They’d only brought it in yesterday but already Aaron’s got half the car stripped and lying in pieces at his feet which means that he’s been here some time even though it’s only 8.30.

Making his way across the yard Adam can tell that Aaron isn’t in a good mood, his body language is screaming keep away. As if that wasn’t enough for Adam to know that he was going to be in for a bad day he’s almost hit with a flying piece of metal as Aaron carelessly throws it over his shoulder, not looking before he does it.

“Hey, watch it will yah.” Adam shouts in response, jumping to avoid being maimed by flying scrap metal.

At the sound of his voice Aaron’s head pops up from under the bonnet of the car, his scowl in Adam’s direction the only acknowledgement he gets that he’s heard him; before he’s turning back to the car, pulling furiously at a piece of the interior that refuses to move. He watches for a minute or two, knowing that when Aaron is in this mood it’s usually best to let him take his frustrations out on the scrap rather than on him. Sure, they’re best friends, but that doesn’t mean they don’t fight and when they do, well Adam doesn’t even want to think about it.

It’s only when Aaron starts kicking the car, pounding his fists on what little remains of the roof that Adam decides he can’t just stand by and watch anymore. Something is obviously not right and he’s going to talk about it if he wants to or not.

“Hey,” he calls, before grabbing hold of Aaron’s shoulder, spinning him around to face him. “What has that car ever done to you?"

Aaron doesn’t respond at first, just glares at Adam with the scowl fixed firmly in place. Adam knows that he’ll wear him down eventually though, he’s just got to stand here and wait him out. Aaron can be stubborn, but Adam is worse when he wants to be.

“I’m working Adam,” Aaron eventually supplies, before attempting to turn back to the car without offering any other explanation.

“Yeah, I can see that. Almost took my head off with that last piece of scrap.” Adam keeps a firm hold on Aaron’s shoulder, he’s not letting him ignore this; whatever this is. They’ve been down that route before, too many times and it never ended well. “By the looks of it you’ve been working for a while too, how about you take a break. I can fix us a brew yeah?”

Aaron yanks his arm free from Adam’s grip, before turning back to the car. “I said I’m busy,” is the only answer he gets in response.

“Fine, whatever.” Adam throws his hands up in surrender, before making his way to the portacabin as another piece of the car is promptly added to the pile at Aaron’s feet.

 

~~

“Hey?!” Vic’s surprised to see Robert standing on her doorstep when she opens the front door. She’d been worried about him since he left the hospital, not just because of the amnesia but because he seemed different, less sure of himself, less confident, _less Robert._ She’d spoken to Aaron about it the other day, because of course when trying to talk to Robert about how he was doing it was like talking to a brick wall. The only answer he’d give was that he was fine, and even that was done grudgingly.

“Can I…can I come in?” Robert asked tentatively, eyes flicking to her face, then back down to his feet.

“Of course,” Vic stood back from the door, allowing him enough room to pass into the small living room. She couldn’t help but notice the set of his shoulders as he passed, he was hunched in on himself, as though he was trying to make himself as small as possible. She couldn’t help remembering the last time that she’d seen him like this, when he’d come home from the hospital after being shot, with everyone convinced that Aaron had been the one to pull the trigger. “You okay?” She asked, tentatively as he stood facing away from her, staring out the window.

“Yeah, fine.” The words were there but there was no emotion behind them, as though he were just telling her what he thought she wanted to hear.

“Do you want to try that again, and this time maybe tell me the truth?” Vic stood by the sofa, giving him space. Her first instinct was to hug him when he was like this, but she knew from experience that was the last thing he’d want; especially from her.

Robert was the type of person who hated to show weakness of any kind, especially to her, his little sister. Despite her being a married woman now, she knew that he still felt the need to protect her. The fact that he was here meant only one thing, whatever was wrong had something to do with Aaron, if it had been anyone else Robert would be with him right now, not here standing in her living room.

Robert sighed, turning to face her and for the first time she noticed the dark circles under his eyes, and the pinch of his brow as he seemed to consider his words. “Do you think I’m a good person?” He breathed out in a rush of air, as though if he didn’t get the words out quickly he wouldn’t say it at all.

“Robert?” Vic’s startled by the question, unsure of how to answer. She wants to be able to say yes, to be able to offer the reassurance that he’s obviously in need of but she’d be lying if she didn’t admit that there were moments over the past couple of years since his return to the village that she’s had her doubts about him.

She loves him and always will, he is her brother after all, but that doesn’t mean that she’s blind to his flaws.

“It’s okay,” Robert runs a hand through his hair, before turning back to the window. “I think I’ve got my answer.”

“No, you don’t get to just assume you know what I’m going to say.” Victoria can feel the annoyance rising in her, and she can’t keep it out of her voice as she makes her way across the living room, grabbing hold of his arm as she says, “I didn’t answer straight away because it’s not a black and white question.”

“I don’t…” Robert started, confusion evident as he turned back to face her.

“Don’t interrupt me,” Vic gave his arm a squeeze in reassurance before continuing, “I think you’ve been through a lot, not just the last few weeks with, well you know.” She gestured vaguely to the side of his head, scar still clearly visible underneath his still short hair.

“My amnesia,” Robert snapped, “I’m not going to break if you talk about it Vic.”

Victoria could feel the heat rising in her cheeks as he glared at her, “I’m sorry. I just, it’s weird?” He doesn’t say anything in response, just gives her a look, a little quirk of the eyebrow. She can’t help but wince in return, realising that it’s a stupid question as soon as she says it. “Yeah, sorry. Look, you asked if I thought you were a good person. You’ve done a lot of stupid things over the years but you’re not a bad person. You’re a better person now, Aaron’s good for you. But you’ve never been a _bad_ person.”

~~

Adam made his way out of the portacabin to find Aaron still working on the car. He’d been there all morning, without taking a break, despite Adam’s protests that he was going to work himself into the ground if he carried on the way he was. He’s seen this before, this is the start of a downward spiral and he’s not going to let it happen.

He’s not had to be there so much for Aaron over the last few months; they’re still best mates but Robert’s been the one that he turns too first when everything’s going to hell and Adam’s okay with that. Despite his initial feelings towards him there’s no denying that he’s good for Aaron; that they just seem to work together, even if it seems that they shouldn’t.

“Right that’s it,” he yelled above the sounds of Aaron banging about underneath the car, “you’re done for the day.”

“What?” Aaron popped his head up at Adam’s voice, frowning as he pulled himself out from under the car.

“I said, you’re done for the day.” He doesn’t bother to wait for Aaron to respond before pulling the hammer from his outstretched hand. “I’m not having you collapsing under there because you’ve worked yourself too hard.”

Aaron pushed himself up onto his feet, anger radiating off him in waves as he lunged forward to grab the hammer back from Adam. Adam was quicker though, and pulled back just as Aaron reached for it, causing him to topple forward and almost fall face first into the dirt.

“I’m not playing your stupid games Adam. If you won’t give me it back then I’ll just get another one.” Aaron snapped, turning his back on Adam to grab another hammer from the toolbox to the side of the car.

“No, you’re not. I don’t know what’s going on with you today. I’ve given you time but clearly you’re not going to tell me what’s up unless I drag it out of you so, spill.” Adam moved to put himself in front of the car blocking Aaron’s access.

He watched as Aaron visibly deflated in front of him, the anger seemingly giving way to resignation. He could see it in the set of his jaw and the loosening of his fists that had been clenched so tightly at his sides.

“Fine,” Aaron ground out, “you want to know what’s wrong. I went home yesterday to find Robert curled up in a ball at the bottom of the shower. He had a flashback or something,” he shakes his head as though trying to banish the image from his mind. “He remembers the car crash, he remembers proposing, he even remembers why he asked me to marry him in the first place.”

“Well that’s a good thing, innit?” Adam questioned. “Well, not the almost dying part, just the wanting to marry you part.”

“You’d think so, but he still won’t wear his engagement ring,” Aaron’s eyes glistened with tears as he continued, “we talked about it when he woke up in the hospital, he told me that he couldn’t wear his ring again until he remembered why I said yes. He’s so certain that I love him but he just doesn’t get why. He means everything to me Adam.”

“I know mate.”

“Well how do I show him that?” Aaron snapped. “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

~~

Robert shook his head, “this was a mistake. I’m just gonna go,” shrugging off her grip on his arm.

“Robert, no wait.” She called after him, clearly there was something she was missing, if only he would open up to her, let her in she might be able to help with whatever demons were obviously buzzing around his head. “Talk to me, I don’t understand.”

Robert chuckled a little at that and Vic can’t help but see the pain in his eyes as he turned to her again. “That’s the problem though isn’t it, not understanding. I just don’t get it Vic; how can Aaron possibly love me after everything I’ve done?”

She’s stunned by the vulnerability in his voice, unable to move quick enough to catch him as he crumpled to the floor in front of her, hunching into himself as though trying to hide away from her.

“Robert, I…” She started, making her way across the living room towards him. She puts out a hand to comfort him, but is startled when he pulls away from her, backing himself further into the wall.

“I had a flashback yesterday, of the crash. I remember proposing, practicing with you in the barn,” there’s the tiniest hint of a smile on his lips at that memory, “but then we were in that water and he was drowning. Did you know he told me to leave him there? He wanted me to save myself and just leave him to drown. It felt like I was the one who was drowning. I couldn’t breathe. It hit me you know, just what he means to me, what I would do for him. He’s everything Vic, I can’t imagine a life without him.”

She can feel herself welling up, the tears threatening to spill, but she knows that the last thing Robert needs right now is her falling apart with him. He’s been strong for her so many times in the past, now it’s her turn to be strong for him; even if she does feel out of her depth.

“So, what’s the problem?” she questioned, frowning. “If you know how you feel about him and why you proposed?”

“Because I can’t get my head around why he could possibly feel the same way about me. I just don’t understand how anyone could possibly feel that way about me.” He managed to choke the words out, before he's hit with another wave of emotions.

She decided to risk a hand on his arm, an attempt to offer some comfort, knowing that what she has to say isn’t going to be what he wants or needs to hear. “Rob, I wish I could give you the answer you want, but I can’t, only Aaron can do that. He’s the one who knows how he feels and why. But what I do know is that as much as I said Aaron’s good for you, you’re good for Aaron. I’ve known him for a lot longer than you have, and honestly, I’ve never seen him so happy as when he’s with you. You’re meant to be together; I know that much at least.”

~~

Robert doesn’t know how long he spent sitting on Victoria’s floor pouring his heart out to her but it’s turning dark as he pulls open her front door, pulling his jacket closer around him as protection against the chill of the cool winter evening. He throws Vic a quick “thanks,” it’s not nearly enough for what she’s done for him this afternoon but it’s all he has the strength for right now, feeling utterly drained as he makes his way up the garden path towards the gate.

He’s not really paying attention as he turns towards the Woolpack, too lost in his own head as he considers everything. Acting on Vic’s advice he’s resolved himself to talking to Aaron when he gets back. It’s not something that he particularly likes doing; talking about his feelings, and he knows that Aaron is the same but he can’t live like this anymore. Doesn’t want to be stuck feeling like he doesn’t deserve the one thing, the one person that he truly wants more than any other thing in the world.

He’s outside the Woolpack before he knows it, the benefit of living in a village being that you never have to walk too far to get anywhere. He stops at the foot of the steps, taking a deep breath, before going in. The door opens before he has a chance to move, a tall blonde woman smiling at him as she makes her way down to him.

“Hello Robert.” Rebecca smirks.

Suddenly Robert’s assaulted with a memory, of being in the backroom, kissing her on the sofa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I'm sorry, I really am. This feels like incredibly bad timing with everything that's happening on screen right now but this has been planned for ages and it needed to happen so yeah, sorry. I promise I will fix it in the upcoming chapters.*


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I promised I wouldn't leave you hanging for long, I've even surprised myself with getting this one done so soon. The kiss that Robert is referring too in this is from November, not the more recent incident as this fic pulled away from canon just before Faith arrived.

His brain is telling him to run; run as far away from this, from her as possible because surely this can’t be real, it has to be some kind of nightmare because Rebecca White can’t be here, in Emmerdale. His legs don’t want to co-operate though and apparently, his brain hasn’t gotten the memo either as he finds himself asking, “what are you doing here?”

Rebecca gives him a nonchalant smile, before replying, “where else am I going to go, this is my local?”

Robert’s heart skips a beat at hearing her say that the Woolpack is her local, that means that she must be living in the village, but why? She’d hardly been close with her family when he’d been with Chrissie and this is the last thing he would have expected from her. She was never one for settling down in one place, always flying off to the next big adventure.

“Okay, but why are you here? In Emmerdale?” Robert tries again, because there has to be some kind of explanation for her presence here.

“Oh, that’s right,” Rebecca flicks her hair away from her face, before she steps closer towards him, too close for his liking. “You don’t remember. You invited me here.”

Robert backs away from her, trying to put some distance between them, extremely uncomfortable with her closeness, combined with the memory of them kissing he needs to get away from her as soon as he can. “Why would I do that?” Is all he can think to say, because honestly Rebecca was a mistake, even back then. To have her come to Emmerdale now, when he’s got Aaron just doesn’t make sense.

Rebecca mirrors his movements, taking a step further forward, invading his space once again. “You had your reasons, well the ones you told Aaron anyway but we both know there was more than that.” She places a hand on his arm, rubbing her thumb along the inside of his elbow and Robert’s too stunned to move, doesn’t know what to do or say because the whole situation is just too surreal. “I’m still single you know, if you want to give it another go.”

Robert’s spared from having to come up with an answer when the door to the pub swings open, revealing Doug followed by Diane.

“Anyway, I had better go,” Rebecca throws him a knowing smile before pulling away from him. She briefly acknowledges Doug and Diane before heading off up Main Street back to her car.

Robert feels like the world has just come crashing down around him. Less than 24 hours ago he’d come to remember just what Aaron meant to him, the thought of losing him too painful to even begin to comprehend, and yet here he was, confronted with the memory that him and Rebecca had kissed, in their home. That he had brought Rebecca here to the village. It didn’t make any sense. What made it worse was that he couldn’t just go and talk to Aaron about it, as he had been doing when he’d remembered something, Aaron able to fill in the missing pieces for his fragmented mind. He couldn’t even begin to imagine that conversation, _hey Aaron, so I had another memory flash, this time I was kissing Rebecca in the back room of the pub, do you know anything about that?_

Of course, he wouldn’t know anything about it, it’s not like Robert was the most honest of people, even when it came to Aaron there were things that he had never said, and probably never would say. But what if it was more than that? What if they’d done more than just kiss, or if it hadn’t been a one off?

“Robert pet, are you okay?” Diane stood in front of him, eyes full of concern, Doug looming behind her, eyeing him up and down as though trying to decide if he should step in and say something.

“Huh, uh yeah.” Robert blinked slowly, trying to focus his mind on the present conversation. He had to keep it together otherwise his secret would be out in no time and there was no telling what that would do to not only his relationship with Aaron but the rest of his family who had been nothing but supportive since the operation. When had he become that person?

He’d spent so much of his life being the outsider, the black sheep of the family. Not really caring if people liked him or not, so long as he got what he wanted, which had been money and power. Somewhere along the line though it seemed that his priorities had changed. He couldn’t care less about material things anymore, family was more important.

“How about I take you inside love, you look shattered.” Diane reached for his arm, before turning to Doug. “You get off home, I’m just going to see that Robert’s all right. I’ll be along in a bit.”

Robert could see Doug eyeing him suspiciously out of the corner of his vision, obviously, he hadn’t won everyone in the village over with his charm and good looks. Diane didn’t bother to wait for a response before she was gently guiding him through the front door of the pub.

“Robert?” Chas questioned from behind the bar, halfway through pulling a pint for Cain who was sat looking at him with something other than disgust, doing nothing to settle his nerves.

He wanted to speak, to tell everyone that there was no need to fuss, that he was fine, but he couldn’t seem to find the words. The lies usually came so easy to him, but today they were sticking to the back of his throat, refusing to be voiced.

“I found him outside, talking to Rebecca,” Diane supplied helpfully as she led him through the pub towards the back room; Robert doing his best to ignore the stares that they were drawing from the punters.

“Is Aaron home?” Robert managed to ask, whilst doing his best to avoid eye contact with any of them.

Chas sighed gently before placing the beer that she’d been pulling down on the bar. “Cain, mind the bar will yah.” She turned to Robert without bothering to wait and see if Cain was going to do as he was asked; she knew he would. “Come on, Aaron’s at work but I can call him for yah.”

Robert flinched at her touch as she went to place a hand on his arm. He couldn’t stand the thought of her being nice to him when he’d betrayed Aaron like this. He’d turned out to be exactly who everyone said he was, a liar and a cheat. But he managed to nod in response to her question. He couldn’t keep this from Aaron, the guilt was eating him up already, he couldn’t imagine trying to hide it from him.

“Okay, well if you’re all right I’ll leave you too it.” Diane patted his back in reassurance, leaving Chas and Robert to go through to the back room.

Chas made her way through the back knowing that Robert would follow her, before going into the kitchen to turn the kettle on for a cup of tea. She didn’t know what was going on, but from Robert’s reactions, or lack thereof it seemed as though he’d had a bit of a shock and a sweet cuppa was the second-best thing she could think of to help. The first being a shot of whisky but seeing as he was still taking medication after the operation that one was out of the window.

Pulling her phone from her pocket she pulled up Aaron’s number, waiting impatiently for him to answer. “Aaron love, it’s me.” She turns to grab the mugs, before adding the teabags, “yeah okay, listen love it’s Robert.” She can’t help the sigh that escapes her lips as she reaches into the fridge for the milk. “No, he’s fine, well he’s not fine. He’s okay physically, he just had a run in with Rebecca. I think it might have triggered something. He said he needs to talk to you.” She pauses again as she reaches for the kettle, pouring the water into the mugs. “I’m with him, just get here as soon as you can, and be driving like an idiot.” She clicks the phone off, before placing it down on the counter, grabbing the mugs before making her way over to Robert.

“So, you want to tell me what’s going on between you and Rebecca?” Chas asked, placing the mug on the table in front of him before slumping down into the chair opposite the sofa where Robert was currently standing, staring; seemingly lost in thought.

“I kissed Rebecca.” He supplied, never taking his eyes of the sofa in front of him.

“What, just now?” Chas snapped, leaning forward in the chair, anger flooding in.

Robert shook his head, before turning to look at her, needing to see the look in her eyes when he revealed that he had betrayed her son just as she had predicted he would. “No, I don’t know, I just saw her outside and I, I remember kissing her, here on the sofa. I don’t know when, but she said she came back for me, because I asked her too.”

“I know.” Chas replied, any trace of the anger now gone. “So, does Aaron.”

“What?” Robert shook his head, “I don’t…. what?”

“She tried to make a big scene on Cain’s birthday. Came into the pub, shouting the odds about you and her but Aaron put her straight. Told her that he already knew, because you’d told him.” He was obviously giving her a look of disbelief because she paused to add, “I’m not sure if that bits true to be honest, doesn’t sound very much like you, does it? But anyway, whether you told him or not he got over it, forgave you. It was a stupid mistake.”

He was shaking his head now, before slumping into the sofa in front of her. He was about to protest, to tell her that she had to be wrong because he didn’t deserve to be forgiven. How could Aaron possibly know about this and be okay with it? How could he be certain that Robert hadn’t lied in the first place to save his skin; telling him that it was just a kiss when it was more than that? Why else would Rebecca say that she had come to the village for him, if not for them to start something together again?

“She’s right you know.” Aaron’s hand slipped into his, gripping it tightly as Robert jumps at the touch.

“When did you get here,” he asks, not sure he wants to know the answer.

“Just now, didn’t hear all of it, but enough,” Aaron shrugs, before adding, “it was just one stupid mistake. You kissed her, and I was mad but I got over it. It meant nothing, I know that and I know deep down, you know that as well. So why are you torturing yourself over it?”

Aaron wrapped his arm around Robert before pulling him in close, waiting for Robert to respond.

“How do you know though? I told you it was just a kiss, but how do you know it wasn’t more?” Robert questioned, voice small, hurting. “It’s not like I haven’t lied about this stuff before.”

Aaron took a deep breath, squeezing Robert’s shoulder, “I know because I know you. Yeah, you’re right you did lie about this stuff before, a lot when I was the bit on the side.” Aaron felt him flinch beneath his touch at the mention of the affair and the start of their relationship. “But I know it was nothing and meant nothing because I could see it. I could see it in your eyes, your body language, everything.”

“But…” Robert started to protest, lifting his head from Aaron’s shoulder, trying to pull away from him.

“Hear me out.” Aaron stalled him, “If this had been two years ago and you were still with Chrissie and you’d remembered kissing me, would you have told her about it?

There was silence as Robert considered his answer, “well no, but that was different, you’re different.”

“Exactly,” Aaron rubbed his thumb down the side of Robert’s cheek, “we’re different. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you. The fact that you remembered something like that and the first thing you did was come in here and confess to my mum of all people must tell you something. It’s just one of the many reasons that I want to be with you, because I trust you. It’s about time that you started to trust yourself.”

Robert nodded, listening to the words but he wasn’t sure he was quite ready to believe them yet. Aaron may think that he trusted him but it’s a hard thing to accept when you can’t even trust yourself, and it didn’t answer the one question that he hadn’t been able to get his head around.

“That doesn’t explain why she’s even here in the first place. She said I asked her to come, why would I do that if she means nothing to me?”

Robert felt Aaron tense beside him, before glancing over at Chas who had been silent throughout their exchange, knowing that they needed to talk this out between them; they didn’t need her interfering.  Her only response was to raise her eyebrows at Aaron questioningly, before shrugging her shoulders.

“What are you not telling me?” Robert asked, worry creeping in.

“You know when you came around from the operation and Andy never came to visit, Diane and Vic told you that he was away for a while, well they didn’t exactly tell you the whole story.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sorry. One of these days I may actually end a chapter on something other than a cliffhanger. Don't hold your breath but it might happen.*


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's back. I can't believe I'm finally giving you all an update. Thank you for everyone who messaged and left comments asking me to finish this. It was always the plan that this would be finished, eventually, I just didn't expect it to take this long to get an update but the writing bug left and went on an extended vacation. 
> 
> Hopefully it's back for good so updates won't take so long to come. Thank you again to everyone who's read this, is reading this and has waited to patiently for it to be continued, it really does mean a lot.

Robert shook his head, as though the movement might jar some of his thoughts into place and this whole thing would start to make sense, because right now he was more confused than ever.

“Okay, let me get this straight. Rebecca came back to Emmerdale because I asked her too so that we could get information on the rest of the Whites, who had Andy framed for attempted murder, after Chrissie found out that he’d cheated on her with Bernice. Again.” He couldn’t help rolling his eyes at that thought, that was one relationship he would never be able to understand. “Then, Andy escaped from prison, and was stupid enough to come back here, I helped him get out of the country with a fake passport and now we have no idea where he is?”

Aaron nodded slowly, they’d been through this several times now, but the story seemed so incredible that Robert was having a hard time grasping it all. “Yep, that’s pretty much it.”

“And everyone knows about this, that Andy didn’t shoot Lawrence? That it was Lachlan and that’s why he’s not been poncing around the village lately, because he’s in prison.” Robert rubbed at his eyes with the heels of hands, attempting to push back the headache that he could feel forming there. It sounded ridiculous, like the plot of some bad movie, and yet even though he couldn’t remember any of it he knew that it must be true. “So how long has Andy been gone? Is there no way to get in contact with him?”

Aaron shrugged before reaching out towards Robert, an attempt to offer some comfort. “I don’t know all the details, you went on your own when you got him away, only came and told me about it afterwards. Well, Bernice was there too.”

Robert furrowed his brow in confusion, “Bernice was there. What..?” It hit him from nowhere, just as it had that day in the shower, memories of the last time that he’d seen Andy flooding back at a dizzying pace.

_Bernice and Andy standing outside the barn, telling him that they’re running away together._

 

 

_._

_They’re hugging, calling each other brother, and Robert doesn’t know what or how to feel after all these years._

“Robert?” Aaron’s face swam into view in front of him as he tried his best to ignore the concerned looks that he was drawing from the other occupants of the pub. “You back with me?”

Robert nodded, not trusting his voice as he did his best to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over. He hated to show his emotions, even to Aaron; he was certain that he wasn’t going to have a breakdown in the middle of the pub.

Aaron must have picked up on his discomfort as he placed a hand on his shoulder, gently pushing out of his seat, before leading them towards the back room. “Come on, let’s go round the back. I’m pretty sure that Liv’s home but I’m sure we can bribe her to give us a bit of space. Besides, if that fails we can always start snogging, that never fails to make her leave the room.”

Robert ignored Aaron’s attempt at making a joke, instead all that he could think to say was “I let him down. Again.”

“What?” Aaron was taken aback by the statement, his steps faltering briefly as they made their way through to the back room. He didn’t really know what to say to that. Of course, he knew exactly what Robert was talking about, they’d had this conversation before many times over the months after Andy had left as Robert had done everything he possibly could to prove his innocence.

They’d finally got the result that they’d been looking for when Lachlan had confessed to shooting Lawrence, getting Andy off the hook, the only problem being that Robert had no way of letting Andy know and bringing him home.

“What’s wrong with Robert?” Liv stood from where she’d been lounging on the sofa watching TV as they practically crashed their way through to the back room, being less than quiet as Aaron guided them across the room, before depositing Robert on the now vacant sofa.

“I think he’s had another flashback.” Aaron worried his lip with his teeth as he considered how much to tell her. “I told him about Andy and the whole being on the run thing. I don’t know what he’s remembered but I think it has something to do with Bernice too.”

Liv crossed her arms over her chest, taking her eyes off Robert for a second as she glared at Aaron. “I told you that you should have told him about Andy ages ago.”

“He is right here you know, and he would really appreciate it if you didn’t talk about him as though he’s not!” Robert snapped, unable to hide his irritation at being spoken about as though he wasn’t there. Sure, he was a bit slow on the uptake at the moment, and his brain was a little scrambled right now but that didn’t mean that they had to talk over him like he didn’t exist.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron was quick to reply as he sat down next to him on the sofa. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, you were just pretty out of it for a minute there. In my defence, I did try talking to you, but I don’t think it was really registering.

Robert couldn’t help but smile as he threw back, “yeah well it’s a skill I’ve learnt over the years, how to listen to you without actually listening to you.”

Liv appeared at his side, before slapping Aaron playfully on the arm to get his attention. “He’s right you know, you are pretty annoying.” She dodged out of his way quickly before he was able to get a hit back as he threw his arm in her direction.

“Oy, since when do you two start ganging up on me?” Aaron smirked, glad to see a bit of the old Robert/Liv banter coming back.

Liv rolled her eyes, “Er, since always, right Robert?” She’d spoken without thinking, instinctually slipping back into their old routine as if none of the past few weeks had happened. For just a few seconds it was though Robert was his old, annoying pain in the butt self again.

Robert chuckled nervously, before replying, “if you say so.”

“Right anyway, haven’t you got some homework to be getting on with or something missus.” Aaron looks pointedly towards Liv, trying his best to break the uncomfortable silence by completely ignoring the massive elephant in the room.

She really didn’t want to leave, seeing at how upset Robert clearly was over whatever it was he’d just remembered about Andy. As much as she wanted to be there to support both Robert and Aaron, she knew that now really wasn’t the time to be insisting that her homework was all done. A blatant lie that Aaron would see through in a heartbeat.

“Um yeah, sure.” She was half way across the room when she turned back to look at Robert, hunched in on himself he looked smaller than she ever would have thought possible. She wanted to tell him that everything would be okay, but she wasn’t sure how. Those word just simply didn’t seem enough right now, but before she could get a chance Aaron was scooping Robert up into his lap, clinging onto him for dear life, as though afraid that if he let go Robert might just disappear.

Instead she decided that now was not the time and made her way upstairs. The least she could do was relieve some of the stress on Aaron by actually getting her homework done on time for once.

 

\--

Aaron had no idea how long they’d been sat there, Robert burrowing deeper into his lap as he held on for all he was worth. There was really no point in rushing this, they’d experienced enough of these flashbacks now to know that the best way to help Robert was to just wait for him to start the conversation rather than pushing him for answers.

“I let him down, didn’t I?” Robert broke the silence as he unfolded himself from Aaron’s lap, pulling away from him as he added, “I guess somethings never change.”

Aaron sighed, Robert had said the same thing straight after the flashback, as he’d half carried him through the back of the pub. It had been swirling around his head the entire time that they’d been sat there. He knew how strongly Robert felt about Andy and how much his not being able to help him had affected him the first time around. He hadn’t been able to help much then, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to say anything to help now. Even if all he wanted to do was make it better and take the pain away. He hated to see Robert beating himself up for something that he had no control over.

He must taken too long to respond because Robert broke his thoughts. “So you agree. I let him down.”

“No Robert, I didn’t say that.” Aaron snapped back, pulled from his thoughts.

Robert sighed, sitting forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “you didn’t have too. Your silence said it for you.”

Aaron shuffled in his spot on the sofa, leaning forward to grab hold of Robert’s arm, pulling him around to face him. Robert resisted as best he could before Aaron snapped. “Will you please just look at me, I’d really rather not have this conversation with the back of your head?”

Robert shook his head almost imperceptibly, before turning to look Aaron in the eye.

“I didn’t answer straight away because in all honesty I don’t have the answer, well not the one I want to give you, and not the one you want to hear. We had this conversation a lot when Andy first left and I could never make you see sense then, I don’t see how it’s going to be any different now.”

Robert frowned, “Aaron I…”

“Let me finish okay.” Aaron raised his hand as a gesture for Robert to wait, he needed to get this out without any interruptions or he might never get it out. “I saw you go through hell when Andy left. You barely slept, you barely ate, it was tearing you apart; it never stopped tearing you apart. It almost destroyed you Robert, and I am not going to let you go through that again. You did everything you could and more. Despite what you may think, Andy being gone is not your fault.”

A heavy silence settled into the room as Robert waited to see if Aaron was going to say anything else. He didn’t want to get yelled at for interrupting again, he knew how much Aaron hated that.

“I promised I’d get him home. I promised him Aaron.” Robert fought to keep the tears at bay, even though it was just the two of them he’d done enough crying over the last few days to last a lifetime. Besides, he wasn’t entirely sure that he’d be able to stop if he started again.

“I know, but even you, the great Robert Sugden can’t work miracles. Sometimes you’ve just got to learn to admit defeat and realise there’s nothing more you can do.”

Aaron leant towards him, pulling him closer once again. Robert didn’t respond this time, but Aaron could hear the soft muffled sobs emanating from his lap.


End file.
